It is from reading that I currently see my depression more or less comes melancholy, astute instances that leave me listless and unsure of the direction I must proceed. And it is empathy, too much of it, a facet in life I cannot live with or without, that prevents me from doing anything too rash which would leave me in even a worse state of mind. What to do but wait for the next wave to ride, this cannot be good. While I seek direction ambition is fleeting. I know what I would like to do but without any counsel I remain in a state of constant stalemate. Lord, if I could ask of anything it would be to lead me to someone who I can work out this complex state of affairs. It is by helping around the house with chores that keeps hoping to remain afloat until an opportunity arises where I may be of use to others.
All I want to do and be for now is to take the moment and be a good steward. I am given a chance to help and will do so but Lord, to be a hindrance, to be an obstacle to someone else's discouragement may I be cast out so as to never give anyone stress. I need family, do they need me Lord may it never be that I become a burden. A financial burden in any case, I have nothing to give other than my efforts, may you find them true and without false and selfish intentions.
Saturday, June 15, 2013
Thursday, June 13, 2013
a lame derecho slides through
The rain falls and the list of outdoor chores rests on the dining room table. Yesterday I managed to seed and fertilize around the large maples before heading off to the zoo and I wonder now if the day's work will be washed away.
The job offer in Iraq was rescinded, I knew it wasn't going to happen anyway. The Qatar yodels said no, I didn't feel right about that one either. Stranded on an island shaped like a drooping gonad making and saving money for a future I'd like to pursue with no great certainty was a long shot. I'd like a job picking up garbage. On this street three companies pick up whatever is left on the curbside. There is the recycled stuff, the compost,and the usual trash. There isn't much thinking with this job, it's physically demanding. The bags of chewed up roots I pulled from the front were excessively heavy and the plastic garbage can filled with refuse from the backyard had to be wheeled out on a kid's wagon.
People are more likely to have moments of enlightenment on top of mountains because they're bloody whipped getting there. The more tired you are the less you think and when you engage in the kind of strenuous physical that leaves you listening to your body then the opportunity to hear nature and God--for those who aren't afraid to approach God--becomes possible. For me there is nothing worse than being flat out pooped out with a head beyond its ability to think and reason than to sit down and watch tv.
The lake behind the house is a balm. Reflections of the forest, the white long necked cranes in the tree on the island. If only the fence weren't here though I understand if that were removed Canadian geese and who knows what else would invade the garden blooming with roses and pink and orange poppies.
And then there is Rochester. The people there aren't pursuing me because I am not pursuing them but I think I need to, if only to be of use. I am of use here, when there isn't a derecho soaking the state. Nevertheless with exhausted funds I am hopefully and with futile efforts looking for work. Earning income online is considered but I can't monopolize this computer. And I certainly can't ask for help anymore than what has been given. I am truly thankful and it humbles me so.
The job offer in Iraq was rescinded, I knew it wasn't going to happen anyway. The Qatar yodels said no, I didn't feel right about that one either. Stranded on an island shaped like a drooping gonad making and saving money for a future I'd like to pursue with no great certainty was a long shot. I'd like a job picking up garbage. On this street three companies pick up whatever is left on the curbside. There is the recycled stuff, the compost,and the usual trash. There isn't much thinking with this job, it's physically demanding. The bags of chewed up roots I pulled from the front were excessively heavy and the plastic garbage can filled with refuse from the backyard had to be wheeled out on a kid's wagon.
People are more likely to have moments of enlightenment on top of mountains because they're bloody whipped getting there. The more tired you are the less you think and when you engage in the kind of strenuous physical that leaves you listening to your body then the opportunity to hear nature and God--for those who aren't afraid to approach God--becomes possible. For me there is nothing worse than being flat out pooped out with a head beyond its ability to think and reason than to sit down and watch tv.
The lake behind the house is a balm. Reflections of the forest, the white long necked cranes in the tree on the island. If only the fence weren't here though I understand if that were removed Canadian geese and who knows what else would invade the garden blooming with roses and pink and orange poppies.
And then there is Rochester. The people there aren't pursuing me because I am not pursuing them but I think I need to, if only to be of use. I am of use here, when there isn't a derecho soaking the state. Nevertheless with exhausted funds I am hopefully and with futile efforts looking for work. Earning income online is considered but I can't monopolize this computer. And I certainly can't ask for help anymore than what has been given. I am truly thankful and it humbles me so.
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