aimless spirit, shanti

http://www.hinduwebsite.com/hinduism/h_suicide.asp

There is nothing from this website that instructs those alive on earth on how to pray for a wandering aimless spirit who is going to suffer perhaps worse than those who are suffering right now.

If anything sustains this family is that his parents were good people, respected in the community, it might bring some uncomfortable and awkward moments, what do you say, consolation is so great now.  Social stigmas are bad in Nepal and they are full of them, superstitions and beliefs I guess like those mentioned in this site play hard ball, I don’t know how the villagers will treat the children.  God what a mess.  Life is hard enough don't you think? show mercy.    

“In general, Hinduism condemns suicide, but in specific instances accepts it as a meritorious act of self sacrifice.  What distinguishes both is intention or the purpose.  Suicide as a selfless act is sacred and liberating.”

A thin thread to hold onto, a selfless act, I don’t know.  His intentions weren’t to hurt anyone and he has, terribly done just that.  Too much shame, a loss of face, no wonder Nepalese aren’t expressing much on line.  To them, according to this article,  a family, a town, face unimaginable consequences far reaching. 

Bad Karma, I suppose it is wrong to write of such things now, if anything I pray for the protection of his children and wife and parents.  Coming to them, seeing them, will bring no shame onto them.  It is in grieving. 

Something bad must have happened.  Something so bad I cannot imagine right now.  What could cause me to throw a rope over a branch and around my neck?  Despair, the kind of momentary hopelessness, a sadness that cuts off all reason, all considerations, all possibilities, Lord.  What can I do.  What should I do. 

Imagine in my last few blogs of all my boring bleatings  and now this, something far greater and worse.  I have to survive this day. 

6:01pm

How does one stop bad karma?  When one stops hurting.  And that might be two or three generations who will always hurt to a degree when they think of the man who ended his own life. 

In Sanskrit suicide means atmahatya, the murdering of the soul.  Yet I think his soul killed him.  In either case such precedents are understood in Hindu culture and if what I understand from this link above is correct, Laxman’s spirit is going to remain between the realms of heaven and earth and move aimlessly, that is, if he has been rendered a bad spirit though the spirit wasn’t always bad on earth that has to be worth something, he will roam aimlessly until his ‘expected span of life’ is complete then he goes to hell for a time to suffer because his body was sacred and then a little more because of all the suffering he is causing now, and then he will return to earth again to complete his previous karma and start from there, from the beginning, once again. 

His previous karma was seen and understood and loved, he had good karma, but the demons in his head, or his once good spirit went bad over something I do not understand yet.

So, Laxman, wandering spirit you are now, if you can read you dumb shit, you do your time in the realms, or in the consciousness, you do some time in hell and then you have another chance.  None of us may be around when that chance comes again.  We will only remember the body you occupied and the good things about you that you have taken away from everyone.  Your own children, this kind of bad karma, brother I don’t know how to say it but that was one dumb stunt.

Soon I hope I can write of the good he left behind.

“Let the first act of every morning be to make the following resolve for the day:

- I shall not fear anyone on Earth.
- I shall fear only God.
- I shall not bear ill will toward anyone.
- I shall not submit to injustice from anyone.
- I shall conquer untruth by truth. And in resisting untruth, I shall put up with all suffering.”
― Mahatma Gandhi

Laxman Chapai rip

Dear Lord Jesus,  we pray for his mother and father, the grief is unsustainable, please pray for Suraksha, dear sweet angel, may God give you peace, Suman, be strong, my heart breaks with yours, be strong, Harimaya, poor woman, what is this all about, may God give you strength, such an unnecessary loss, please Jesus and Buddha come to the help of these dear friends, the grief is beyond words right now.

My last facebook note to Laxman perhaps within hours of taking his own life unnecessarily, said I’d be going back to the states after finishing here in Afghanistan in three weeks.  Ke garne?  what to do I finished the message.  I had also complained about my lack of sleep and all the problems in my head and then I asked if the monsoon had come yet and if his family was ok.

He never replied.

Then I see last night tributes.  What the double eff? 

Did Laxman think just long enough his own death would make things better for anyone?  It’s ludicrous.  He wasn’t a man who thought of hopelessness.  He had the energy of ten men, I envied his ambitions though I couldn’t share them with the building of the second guesthouse.  I know why he built it and I had nothing to say that he wanted to hear, he was going to build it.  And it was sparked by his own family, his cousin who built a guesthouse completely ruining the view from the garden.  Laxman had no choice, he was jealous but he was also ambitious.

Something I may have said in the last sms could have had an influence on something far bigger on his mind at the moment.  And what was that, I don’t know.  A good friend told me this morning he was the richest man in town buying properties all over the area.  What was he buying properties with if he didn’t have any money.  He had money in a variety of places, investments, but he also had to my last count eight bank accounts.  He was a businessman who became very successful.

He didn’t  klll himself because I said I was going back to the US.  He never replied, he never asked me why, something else was going on and it is going to make me very uneasy if my last words to him pushed him where he had a choice to make and he made the wrong one and I cannot be guilty of that.  Oh Lord,

His spirit was not at peace and now it’s out there somewhere looking for a home or on its own among his people and this mountain.  Will he be able to be near those he so selfishly left behind, ripping out hearts of good people, loving people, how will they ever forget such an act, it is beyond me and it is what brings me to tears.    

Their loss.  Your loss, Laxman, if your spirit is hearing now, find peace somehow and now and let your family heal.

sonuvabitch, goddam man, eating hot green chilies at every meal, blood boiling, thinking, imagining too much.  Money one our friends said, money can’t be a reason to kill yourself unless it was the only way to keep it out of someone’s hands, unlikely.  But who knows, the roots of Laxman’s people is long and deep and rifts wherever they come from reverberate.

Laxman’s marriage to Harimaya was arraigned and among the three siblings only his remained together.  He respected his father so much more than his older rebellious brother did and that is why he remained conservative in heart and deed but the fire was there and it was strong. 

Laxman was an important part of the family of Sarangkot.  His efforts as president of the Sarangkot Tourism Committee to make the place a nicer place to come to were noble and honorable and today, seven years since I first met Laxman, the village sitting at the peak of a mountain has better roads, better lighting, construction is booming, people are optimistic even after last year’s earthquake, its citizens continue to build and the temple at the top has come a long way, so I just don’t understand how he could walk away from it.  He will be terribly missed.

I don’t understand but Lord have mercy on this mountain and these people and Lord, give peace to his soul and to all his loved ones.

three weeks forever

A terrible sleep, no reasons to be awake at three am so I got up took two Xanax and a cirrus and I guess I got a few hours, four it feels. 

I am completely tormented about staying here any longer than I need to and I don’t exactly understand why.  It appears returning to the states to apply for a Belgian visa may never be if I cannot submit all the req’d documents and if that becomes truer then I don’t need to return to the states.

There is nothing worse than imagining scenarios that leave you completely adrift.  I could have never imagined I’d be where I am doing what I am doing as a teenager then again like then interests waned quickly leaving me adrift for something else to keep me hanging onto.  If I become adrift then let it be in a used car with a good radio somewhere I don’t know.

Everything is negative, not knowing anything does that to some degree.  Three weeks to go.  It’ll be three weeks until the last final frantic days where you’ll find me eating grass in a field. 

It feels significantly lonelier here than any place I’ve lived.  That’s a strange thought, lonelier meaning more restricted, confined and by the end of this week I will be the only person in the entire 16 room guesthouse. 

10 minutes treadmill, ten minutes on the bike.  wow, we are so impressed. do it again tomorrow and the next day and ya da ya da, let’s see if a little sweat will help reduce anxiety.  And now a cigarette?  ten minutes forward, two minutes backward.

Anxiety, I am no doctor, is irrational.  When you don’t have control of something even though you know at the end of the day it should be alright, then it is irrational.  The Human Resource staff are all good people and I understand sort of, how they work.  I have to go to them.  Timing is everything, making a decision on dates will take care of at least one anxiety that is bubbling you out of bed at three in the morning, you think?

But what are those dates going to be?  Should I fly back to the states not knowing or should I go to Ireland, can Ireland be a place to begin my detox?  Climbing Croagh Patrick would be good medicine. 

But I might have to pay for the ticket to the states, I don’t know if I can break it up, such anxieties of the unknown, talking to people who know helps ya know? 

And I have to go to the bank after the last payment is deposited.  When will that be?  I don’t think the hr men know this, I don’t know maybe they do maybe they are thinking, what’s the rush you got three weeks forever ha ha ha to leave here.

Anxiety.  You suck.  Give it to God.  Give it to Om and Allah and all the angels and principalities and remember the homeless who don’t know what they’ll eat today, probably nothing Ramadan kareem.

The last transport leaves in one hour and twenty minutes.  I have to eat something though I’m not really hungry.  What can fill me for the next four to five hours with only secret sips of water to sustain me?  Toasted peanut butter and jelly?  and pretzel sticks and a doctor pepper.  should I shower?  I don’t smell, tomorrow 25 minutes on the treadmill and bike.

And work is full of anxiety, unfortunately, an afternoon class where half don’t show up, I need to make a new attendance sheet I can’t read the names though I think I know everyone by name now.  But teaching this new class for six lessons, yuck, big yuck, the teacher whose class I’m taking sent an email with instructions that completely baffled me.  Talking in person is so much better most of the time and once I have a handle on these extra classes some of the anxiety that robs me of sleep should dissipate.

So, do you feel better getting this out?  No not at all.  I feel like another cigarette.

5:58pm—I asked Henry from Almaty about anxiety and insomnia and he shook his head quickly, oh yes everyone has anxiety here and I live in the basement for three years no more.  He moved just recently to the new campus.  With lots of space enough more so for someone who has lived in the basement for three years.  Less anxiety in the wild opens where there are horizons of mountains and fields of wheat and maybe a sunrise but not at four thirty in the morning. 

We agreed the exercise equipment is a necessary tool for dealing with anxiety.  Why, ask me how my day went at the office?  It was short and sweet and not too stressful.  Manageable with time I have. 

I have to run again tomorrow.  It has to become a habit.  The cross trainer shoes I am happy to say do ok in this kind of workout.  To think I almost gave these away in Kandahar because I wore them once or twice walking around Aino Mina and they hurt my feet.  They have done better here.  Keep ‘em. 

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rOjHhS5MtvA

Beethoven’s 9^th is about an 81 minute one song that took about two hours to listen to.  Inspiring.  Everyone one of them in the symphony are from Chicago and they are all smarter than I am.  

I didn’t say Ramadan Kareem to my office colleague when she sat at her desk in front of me.  In fact I didn’t say it to anyone except the Zoom merchant yesterday and I don’t think he understood what I said, there was no answer.

I’m not surprised.  What is there to celebrate?  Did the prophet suffer as long as long as these people have suffered?  Through no fault of their own, the faith here is survival faith and I think that makes people humble, it ought to, to not be able to express true feelings without public rebuke and scorn leaves others without much faith at all. 

some of the faith will be happy to celebrate this holiday when it’s over. 

Good news too, food will be served until two on the campus.  This will help.  Cooking two meals a day, breakfast excluded, is not something I do well or enough.  What is it tonight, rice. 

And that is enough.

the timeless stare

it's still Monday.

john: hello, transport, it’s 11:45 where are you?

transport:  hello, no transport today holiday

john:  holiday! 

transport:  yes holiday, email sent last night.

john:  what time was that email sent out?

transport: (laughter) you didn’t check email.

john:  I don’t know why I didn’t check my email this morning.

and there it is.  A loss, or a gain depending on how you play it, a loss of class for sure, for everyone.  Why didn’t I check I don’t know, the thought never crossed my mind that the official call comes from the Afghan government, not the AUAF, who emailed everyone four days ago stating the holiday would begin on Tuesday.

And on this Monday

do I swear

to never take for

granted the timeless

stare.

So a one day holiday in bed recovering from the blahs becomes a two day holiday and tonight I guess, after seven, shops will open, they’re probably open now.  I’d wager the streets are empty.  I’ll never know it if I don’t take a walk right now.  What the hell else am I going to do today?  The dreaded treadmill beckons a floor below me. 

It is bright and cloudless, temps looking at 90 for the first time I’ve been here.  Ninety in June is good.  A hundred and ten is not so good.  The mid-day call to prayer.  twelve-thirty.  I wanna be where it is timeless.  All the reminders to keep on track are good if they are leading me to a place that is timeless.  That’s all. 

I could start the novena with that request for the first nine days of this peculiar festival.

I am guessing, only guessing, but I’d wager the Afghan thinks more like Turkey with regards to fasting. 

And that is a good thing.  It is between God and the believer.  Thanks for the reminder in the calendar, it comes 11 days earlier every year I’m sure, because some need it and some can’t and some won’t.  The won’ts, now what can you do about the won’ts, well, again it’s between God and the believer, final.  Family and social customs to practice together are noble indeed, but it is still must be left to the individual unless those individuals are uneducated sheep herders and need sheperding. 

12:45pm

It is a little alarming, surprising to see that I am reading Moby Dick now.   I knew one day I was gonna read it that’s why I’ve been carrying it with me since Hikkadewa in February 2015. Well if you’re worried if it is going to end badly for everyone on that boat maybe I shouldn’t identify myself with any of them. 

It still feels strange, it can’t be coincidental ok maybe it can but it is also predestined a Calvinist would say, austere morality and that kind of thinking.  John Calvin spent a decade in exile to write the apocryphal institutes of the Christian religion.  What drove him to think like this and why did so many follow and how convincing and clever was he to equate work and salvation. 

predestination—a doctrine holding that God chooses those who will enter Heaven based on foreknowledge of their good deeds. 

God’s foreknowledge, right?  He sees ahead being the timeless one God is.  And he got that out of the Bible no doubt somewhere in a few places but look how it spread to specific North European joints where governments said, yes of course, self-discipline keeps the crime rate down, let’s be Calvinists.  It’s in the Bible and those folks came to America and look at what they built and continue to do so I guess I don’t know really, but in history it’s an economically divine sort of grace that one can’t deny.  Such motivation, they glorified God and built some nice stuff to go along with it. 

Nevertheless one day, not today, but one day I will read if I am so inclined a little bit on the internet regarding the fate of those unelected folks.   Sounds like an impenetrable dogma from an intelligent man in self imposed exile. 

I was planning on eating lunch at the university today.  I have one egg.  I have beef stew and grilled toast, that is a possibility.  I still have pasta that isn’t very good, I can cook it if need be.

I sit at the long wooden table and wonder beyond the gates if life is any different right now and can only assume.  Tomorrow I think things will return to tomorrow or will they, oh time is one who makes me suffer.

4:29pm—I ate a can of beef stew and pan toasted three slices of bread with a small glass of dr. pepper and then I watched television, a documentary about a matchmaker, I think in Lebanon, a nice story it was, and then the news and a cup of tea but before that that cereal looks good and I have a bowl of the new special K with peaches and then finish off the cheerios box.  I didn’t know I was that hungry I guess.

Thirty minutes before sunset I’ll walk to Zoom and buy eggs, butter, bread and I hope the fella and his little assistant are open for business.  Right now the sun wrestles with clouds and it is warm when the sun wins otherwise if I’m gonna have a mental meltdown at least do it in nice weather.

The next time I go into that corner shop with the vegetables they are gonna know I forgot my eggs.  I must certainly under no circumstances go shopping there if I need to buy any eggs that’s all I’m setting out to do here.  That’s all, take your profit, put the eggs back, put the plastic bag back. 

For someone who didn’t sleep well I am somewhat surprised you haven’t taken a nap when you had the chance, good question, and I haven’t lifted Melville today but perhaps I will in the next hour.

In the meantime I question everything.  This place is doing it to me.  It’s terrible isn’t it.  I can’t read Melville without thinking too much, I can’t watch the news now and not think too much typing and mobile meditating, that’s what I need to do.  Shut myself up even more!!

6:33pm—I returned from Zoom and bought bread, eggs, butter and cheap caramel chocolate biscuits that are pretty good.  A warmer evening indeed just from my absurdly brief walk, from what I saw it was business as usual, people shopping, bakeries open.  We’ll see tomorrow how they look at one in the afternoon when it’s ninety degrees. 

7:08pm—the first iftar can begin.  I think I’ll eat soon.  French toast ok?

8:43pm—If for reasons not understood now KU doesn’t become and then the little voluntary effort opportunity in Tblisi doesn’t pan then I will buy an old car and with a list of cities I will go to each and apply for jobs and live in the car that I’ll have pimped with little curtains to pull down around the windows and the back seat has to be long enough to really sleep well. 

I think this is enough for one Monday.