the 830 blues

The American dream is about giving your children a life that was better than yours.  It isn’t about inequality though that helps because we must respect each other’s pursuit of the dream.  The poor don’t dream of inequality they dream of opportunity to get out, slowly, if necessary, wait a second Jack, the poor, there are so many kinds of poor like the homeless drug addict poor or the bound by low caste poor, in this case the poor need to be treated equally if all parties understand in this life they ain’t going nowhere, Jesus told us to help them because he's got other shit to do, but this is it for them who cannot get enough civility, a good society can't let them go so down they can’t ever get up again, we keep ‘em alive, we keep ‘em from hurtin themselves, keep ‘em fed and clothed.

The Shgolden rule in the American dream, well, the word dream has 350,000,000 interpretations now doesn’t it?  But it begins with freedom, our foundation.   

8:30pm—Rain is scheduled to grace us this Tuesday.  How dangerous is it to anticipate, I don’t have my hopes up for a big rousing whip ‘em good downpour with thunder and banging, a nice steady rain for the entire day would be exceptional and desperately appreciated. 

The 70 year old man has his wits with him, completely, and he is in good health.  His daily use of hashish defies studies which show negative long term effects on the its use.  It’s simply remarkable, really.

I slowly peel away the layers as temps in the blue room rise, today the socks were off, oh what sorry looking white feet I have, deprived of air and sun for months, and my winter jacket hangs though I used it in the morning in the kitchen, and it’s time to get a haircut.

2.29.16

A pleasant afternoon inside, stray clouds accumulate and provide shade, let’s hope it rains, eh?  New flowers in the garden, red ones, how about that?

You always know when you have too much of a good thing, right?  When it controls you instead of you controlling it.  So what do you in such moments of uh oh, I gotta be productive here, I can’t crawl back into bed, I have to prepare for tomorrow’s morning class, I have to get a haircut…there are things I should/could do but my time is being challenged.  Let’s go through the news quickly:

spotlight wins best picture.  a political statement, really, one institution going after another institution; reformers winning seats in Iranian election.  go with the flow dudes and tell us with your changes you proclaim ‘we no longer wish Israel dead’.  Such a positive and healthy move that would be for you in the end. 

6:57pm—I almost went for a haircut tonight, I can wait.  I can also wait to go to the bank and buy my ticket to Kabul.  I can also wait for my passport to come this way.  I have 18 days.  They have 18 days.  You will hear more from me if they wait longer than is comfortable for me to wait. 

A calm overcast evening, I told students to keep their eyes on the skies tomorrow, I probably shouldn’t suggest anyone anticipate something as frivolous as rain but I can’t help it and surely the amount of precipitation will be negligible.

An hour later and the skies are clear, the stars twinkle and on his way out for the day the boss told me there are rumblings about me not teaching enough and they might call me back to the capital.

Wow.  I didn’t see that coming but they did, apparently.  Is there a chance to increase the teaching hours here? and thus void a move?  I don’t know.  Either way I look at what’s happening, there are two months of possible teaching left after the spring break.  Ramadan begins in the first week of June, here the classes will dissolve.  There, I don’t know.  It might be the same.  In any case being up there when it is time to leave will be a good thing. 

I stepped outside after an episode of the evil Underwoods and the skies are crystal clear.  I won’t see that in the capital I suppose.  And I’ll return to wearing my ties and worst my socks will cover my air-borne naked feet.  Sorry boys.

And of course my chillum will go dry, which I guess will be a good thing.  One benefit of being in the capital is that it is still a capital with lots of people and events and…I show respect differently.  Not enough teaching, I wonder if I am expected to plan an acceptable schedule for the two months after the break.  I have some ideas if I want to stay and wear the same clothes all day and night, what a privilege only a man can love.

“I take the 8 thirty am minibus to the campus, a ten minute delivery through rush hour’s bleary eyed and weary , I sign and date a clip board for reasons I don’t care about at the fortress gates and then after passing through the sliding iron doors I am searched.  This is simply a repulsive way to commute.”

peace in pashto

The plan is collapsing rapidly.  If I had read the visa requirements at the beginning I probably would have never considered doing this this long.  An FBI clearance to study the Bible.  Belgium, your colonial ghosts spook you but I am not one of them.  And yesterday I felt bad complaining about having to prove my innocence to attend the school.  My diplomas, transcripts, letters of recommendation and still they want the spooks rubber stamp, like they know squat about me.  I’m not expecting any American white dude privilege but if there are no alternatives,  the visa application requires a six month post dated fbi clearance and I can’t do shit as long as I am in Kandahar.  This is simple and true and I think I am screwed.

Something’s not right here.  Such a formidable obstacle I spent yesterday afternoon looking elsewhere.  A job fair coming in three weeks, I am not going.  The usual places hiring, places I could work at, places I have worked at, and there will be nothing sent this year as far as I know today.  And like the hole in the sock that always finds its way back to the toes, New Zealand is back to haunt me with volunteering.  And then we went a little further and saw Fiji and I’m thinking of The Bounty and beaches and grass skirts and a hammock.

He’s been smoking hashish for the last fifty years and shows no ill-health.  I asked him if he considered himself a spiritual man.  He wasn’t sure how to answer the question and wondered if I should have asked him then he only noted all his friends have died and I reminded him of all the family he’s got around him and best of all an endless supply of hashish.  Strange it seems to meet a kindred spirit who’s lived a life in the smoke and he has perfect teeth and he was proud to show us. 

I was the first American he had ever met. 

On the road to Srinagar we stopped and gave a lift to a young American woman.  She was shocked when I correctly guessed that she was from Elmira New York and then I asked her if it is possible to take a short-cut to enlightenment.  Certainly not.  Are your intentions pure?  Then what you do is sacred.    

I do not have a single photo from my visit to the Taj Mahal.  If they were on my Mac Desk Top I should have looked.  But I didn’t because the young woman told me there was nothing on the computer.  I think she wasn’t telling me the truth.  Damn. 

2.27.16

I cooked liver and onions for the first time in my life and it was delicious. 

I visited Agra on my first visit to India and on that same trip I visited Varanasi, Delhi, Dharamsala, and Simla and none of those photos are with me.  What happened to them? 

On the way back from visiting a private college with the boss we stopped to visit a supermarket that is twice the size of the KS I walk to and my oh my didn’t I find m&m’s and razors and cereal, how fast can one spend thirty dollars I don’t know but like all new places to shop where selection is rare I looked at every item on every shelf, real shampoo, check, sour cream and chive rice crackers, check.

9:50pm—What are my plans and what are God’s plans?  What?  You don’t want the Bible to be reshuffled?  What?  I don’t need to go back to university to do it?  You don’t want it done?  How long have I been planning, how long did it take me to get everything together to apply for this college? 

And you’ve had doubts about the kind of academic work you’ll be expected to do and you don’t think you can do it but maybe I can just with some help I suppose, going back after 26 years is a bloody challenge, but if I can’t even apply for a visa, stuck at the door, I can ask around but you’re already looking aren’t you, for another job, yes I sent my cv out this morning and lordy loo I already got a reply and ya know I know what you’re thinking, this morning I was looking around and I started in Yerevan which led me to Lithuania which then led me to of all places. 

I replied to the human resources manager and said I’d be in the neighborhood on holiday next month, perhaps if there was someone to talk to about the post.

Lord Have Mercy

Christ Have Mercy

Lord Have Mercy

Just because something looks like a coincidence doesn’t mean it’s a coincidence. 

Can you explain exactly what is happening?  I know you write this only Jack knows cryptic language when you’re not saying what you want to say to avoid jinxing the future.  Just explain it because you’ve been chewing on it all day and it brought you to tears for a moment, no no, you said, not another coincidence well I don’t know if it is, but in brief, three weeks ago I booked a ticket to Tbilisi.   It’s a holiday.  At the same time the Lueven process has been going on and as I’ve said my provisional sojourn has hit a wall.  I may be jumping the gun and perhaps the ku-folks know how to get around the unnecessary red tape, perhaps they don’t, so in doubt and resignation and a day’s worth of angst I found a post in Tbilisi just by accident because I didn’t start there and it’s a good job, not salary wise, but in usefulness and purpose.  Why should I be so desirous of returning to university to divide up the new testament when a chance emerges in your prayers to help those fleeing from the worst of wars and famine and they just keep coming don’t they, the migration continues, well, if it is a coincidence, then leuven will have to wait or leuven will just be a dream which, if I can finish here, it has been a long time thinking and planning for university and then in a pinch I see the prism altered.  Is it the God-Om combo or is it nothing at all, a distraction, I don’t know, if this isn’t a coincidence, fine. 

John, Jack, whoever the hell you are, it’s almost March, go to bed now, I enjoy listening to the soundtrack of Last of the Mohicans. 

Solaah, that is peace in pashto.  I will say this instead of salaam or shanti.  Solaa with a soft h, i'll have another listen if i remember to ask someone.  goodnight.

fingerprinting Erasmus

My feet cannot warm up so I take ‘A brief history of seven killings’ and go outside and sit next to the bird bath and read until I thaw. 

If Donald Trump became president more people would pray like never before because more people would buy guns than ever before because you would, you will, see insurrection. The news is so bleak now, so full of anger and fear; I started with some sports this morning and the story about the hockey player in Quebec being handcuffed on the ice after spitting at a linesman is just the most absurd inflammation to anyone’s day.   

Oh where is my beach, where is my mountain.

Two women become momentarily lost and ignore the curtain that separates my room and the kitchen from the first floor.  Hello ladies, stay away I smell something afoul.

I was asked to sit in for some interviews for teachers and the big boss is not here.  Today’s lunch of chicken and potatoes was ok, it’s the same and easy recipe but eating the chicken leg there was something about the way the meat looked that made me gag.  I don’t know why.  I finished the bowl of meste and the bread given to me and left that homey looking chicken in its dish.

8:38pm—My space heater sputters out at the same time a house of cards video stops working and now I can’t open any of my videos.  Not good at all.

And this afternoon’s homey chicken has warranted a ban on chicken for a while.  I will tell Rezek tomorrow.  Just the thought of chicken is making me woozy.

What’s going on?  All these bad incidents.  What’s up?  Is bad karma returning consequentially?  What did I do intentionally bad today.  Ok, watching a downloaded 186mg video probably made for smart ass phones.  Oh, right, I guess it was illegally acquired though I have no intention of profiting monetarily from it.  And I know of no connection with chicken and the space heater quitting so let’s move on.

2.25.16

This month can’t end fast enough. 

It’s always a bonus to see a morning moon but I haven’t figured out how to take a decent picture of it.  

I have to plan for the toefl class right now because the big boss told me of ‘our’ visits to schools today to promote PDI and my planning is being dragged through the lazy mud for reasons I can’t explain other than to note my right ear is still plugged and I need the loo and I haven’t even finished my coffee. 

The homey chicken strikes.

“I saw it coming like everyone else, a tidal wave of hope from this black and white dude and it was an easy wave to catch on because his message was infectious and we knew, I knew, he was the one.”  

Today’s political landscape is downright disturbing and it should scare you.  No one speaks of hope.

Steph Curry may be the best player today I have never seen.

11:50am—I am ready for the toeflers.  My lower back is killing me.  How did it happen John?  I’m not gonna tell ya it was from smoking now am I?  I am ready to take a shower but I am hesitant but I should.

Applying for an Authorization for Provisional Sojourn, in other words a student visa, at the Belgian embassy in Abu Dhabi is not going to be easy and will probably require I go in person, like right before Ramadan would be priority. 

And Ramadhan is going to coincide with my final month here.  I have no idea how this is all going to work out in the end but it usually does, at least it always did in Oman and the Emirates.  There was fear and anticipation but the worries always seemed unnecessary.  I don’t know if that’ll be the case here.  People living in a war zone have an approach I’ve haven’t figured out yet and it is a bit maddening.  Too laid back, is it?  Fatalism?  There is no need to rush, I know, but at least be punctual.

The Republicans brought this all on themselves because they didn’t know or they ignored their ideology hasn’t changed with the times and they got this ugly wart called the tea party growing big on their balls.  This ugly wart is a nasty growth of contagious fear and racists and bigots. 

I’m blinded by ideologies that are stuck in neutral.  Greed, power, stupidity. 

My hands are cold but I wear no jacket.  And there is this tremor inside me I don’t particularly like or understand.  The paper trail to Leuven is absurd and I think it was designed for those who are trying to escape poverty.  I am not trying to escape from poverty and if I were escaping from poverty I wouldn’t even begin to consider forging everything.

Yuck.   I have to lie down.

6:33pm—The grandsons of a former governor ask for the class to end an hour early so I assign all the planned worksheets as homework.  

I noted here a while back that my weekly food tab comes out to about five bucks a day, a fantastic deal indeed but what is more incredible is Rezek always buys enough food for three to five people. 

Yes, you can be my guest, please sit.  Today biryani with chicken!

2.26.16

I took off the wrist band I’d worn since September 2013 and handed it to the 70 year old man. 

The road to obtaining authorization for a provisional sojourn is not a kind one and now there is doubt.  Imagine Erasmus having to submit an FBI clearance so he could study the Bible.  Something isn’t right here.

mero atma

I woke up at three thirty without a clue. 

The sun rises 13 minutes before seven and there won’t be a need for an alarm since I wake up to the light and I wasn’t worried about anything before I turned in last night.  I must admit when these ‘middle of the night wake ups’ happen I think my spirit has been alerted to something bad though most of the time there is no connection with anyone or anything and that doesn’t help explain why I wake up.   

It could have been my breathing, I was wheezing a little last night and perhaps I woke up because I was low on the oxygen.  This is certainly a better reason than spirits waking me up. 

A red flower has appeared in the garden’s orange and yellow blaze.  What a sight, let’s hope there are more of these little fellas.  I’ll take a picture later.  For now, I must rest and it’s only ten o’clock.

9:46pm—I started a new blog tonight and what else is there to do tonight.  Not a lot, I think bed is waiting to put the day behind as soon as possible.  Is there a full moon you should be worried about?  It looked awful bright tonight; it reminded me of high school cheerleaders like Shelly Munnings and others who’d yell when they saw a car with one headlight, ‘ look, a pi-diddly’, I think is what they called them.  I never really understood why they called it a pe-diddle, I was only in a girl’s car once in four years of high school. 

http://samjhanameroatma.blogspot.com/

2.22.16

Tonight’s full moon was grand and uneventful.  I was going to the roof to see it rise when a female student in the afternoon class stopped me at the steps with lots of vocabulary questions and I missed the rise which in truth is ok, but I’m telling ya there are a few of these women who put on their burqas over their black abayas when they leave the building and there was an odor about this one that gagged me, a rancid unwashed unkempt smell and I feel really bad for these gals because surely they know they rank, perhaps they remain ranked so any man that thinks twice about approaching them will quickly detour away. 

I’m learning to teach without breathing through my nose.

2.23.16

Scrambled eggs cannot take out a tooth but eating breakfast this morning parts of a molar on the lower right side broke up leaving yet another stump in my mouth.  Age, smoking, not visiting a dentist regularly, you name it, too much sugar too much of this and that.  I have a headache this morning and I am cranky.  In the morning men’s class a student said he watched an American television show about people breaking out of prison and said he couldn’t trust Americans because they’re not good people.

I am glad I don’t let my anger get the best of me because of a student.  In this case I assumed he wasn’t saying what he really wanted to say (we were studying how to use ‘used to’ ) nevertheless I felt the tension rise and my blood rose and told him it would be absurd if every American thought Afghanis were terrorists.

And it left me with mild shakes.  Anger.  I don’t want, I don’t like, anger that leaves me shaking.  Reading the news doesn’t leave me shaking because internet news is two dimensional. 

I should go back to bed.  I have to prepare for the toefl class tonight.  I have to make copies.  I want to sleep, I want to leave.  I just want the fucking world to end but that isn’t my call and really, I don’t know if it’s God’s call anymore. 

7:48pm—I took off the winter jacket and kept it off for the first time today.  Temps nearing 80 outside slowly warmed things up inside.  Now that it’s night a cool but not chilly room is all I have and here comes Hanukkah with a thermos of green tea and he plants himself in front of the space heater.

This afternoon the big boss, SW and I visited a building in the center of the city that the big boss would like to move PDI’s operations to in order to attract a growing demand who cannot make it to Aino Mina because of the lack of transportation and because we are almost an hour away from parts of the city where students live.  I think it would be great to live in the center though there really isn’t much to see or do for a foreigner and security will be the biggest issue and I told the owner of the building any decision to move will be made by AUAF in Kabul.

I won’t be here when or if they ever move anyways.  I think it’s bedtime.