where must we go

You know you have too much of anything when you can’t do anything.

Listening to Bach is about as much as I can do right now.  Rezek replaced the empty propane tank with a new one and my hands are still cold but if I can type well enough I could warm up.  ok, there was something.

My Chinese scrolls were damaged in the flooding in mb’s cellar a few years ago.  The first one came from a student of mine in Tianjin.  He had penned a Luke verse in Chinese.  It was cool.  And the second one came from Shenyang, a farmer’s painting on the scroll.  It’s a bummer.

This is the first time I’ve thought what else I lost, and presently I still can’t find the St. Bridget cross I salvaged anywhere, very strange. 

Solomon didn’t say life is meaningless without love, did he?  Because I just told someone this on chat.  Well, where there is empathy there has to be some defined meaning of the word love, no?  we’re talking a much more personal kind of love you schmuck and yes, life has been meaningless in that regard, a great and unfortunate life to have no love and yet still manage to listen to classical music, smoke a pipe next to a roaring space heater in the deserts of Central Asia.  It’s not exactly Byron, in fact it couldn’t be more removed.

This is the last day of the month, yahoo!  let’s get the bleeping hell out of February fast please.  My seventeen days holiday at the end of May is going to slide into Ramadan which will slide into the approaching end of my contract.  It’s difficult to make concrete decisions now and really is a reason to go up to Kabul for sure this time.

Here ends the connections; Rezek is cooking eggplant for lunch.  Mom never brought an eggplant into the house. 

I should shower.  NOW!

For seven years paradigm shift that changed me forever has been replayed, redefined, and reassessed  and still I haven’t gotten an answer to the reason this all started in the first place.    Love.  I was looking for love, that’s all, and I detected, please go ahead and laugh, I detected the same collusion Job suffered from and there was no stopping my pursuit for the truth until it happened.

And still, from it all I haven’t found love, only a spirit who can’t tell me if there will be personal true love in the last 33.3% of my life.  Maybe he does know and if it’s not a good answer he is here to assure me the internet is enough for what you need.  jackass.

eight thirty three pm

I ate a pb and j sandwich toasted and two slices of toasted p-c and two cups of tea and here we are again in front of the computer on a Sunday night with a bag of pistachios .  172 days to go?

ten o nine pm

that’s enough for tonight.  Let’s finish mad max

“Where must we go…

we who wander this Wasteland

in search of our better selves?’

            The first history man

alter your own ego

before I go make something for lunch I just want to give a shout out to my alter ego.  I thought you were a spirit you fucking wanker.  My alter ego.  I created and fed my alter ego, my avatar, my little bunny I will now call Harvey.

Have a seat, have a smoke while you’re at it and relax.  I have two eggs to cook and maybe there’s some bread to put some peanut butter on.  And a cup of tea will be nice.  The sun is out, the wind blows chilly, a beautiful 50 degree day for a jog, a game of catch.  Here I walk around the building four times, each time is 90 seconds.  And when am I gonna break out the jump rope, dude, let’s do it.

A doppelganger arcs into the universe paralleling my own universe when an avatar sees the future, if only for a few seconds, for my own good.  I timed the avator’s view into the future and it was ten seconds. I don't think an alter ego can see the future at all.

1.30.16

Hanoi saw snow this year, yesterday?  Earlier this week?  Crazy dude.  Here I keep the window open in the blue room even though it is only 53 but as the days go on I am getting a little bit more sun into the place.  My hands are numb for light. 

I like what Martin Luther did.  It was necessary.  But he could have never imagined, could he, that there’d be 40,000+ denominations to thank him five hundred years later.  Nice job.  I think.  I don’t know.  Luther wished to remain a Catholic but the tide was too fast and the tsunami of freedom and the printing press changed everything.  A most important milestone in human history, you think?  Close enough to see and feel and experience the wave of freedom bursting forth with the greatest zeal. 

So,  when you think faith you think power and look what Protestantism has done for the world that Catholicism hasn’t done for the world.  I think half of the Prods have done what the Church would approve of and that half accepts the church for what the church is, it’s older than ya’ll that’s for sure.  And more believable.  Go see Titus’s relics in Florence at St. Marks Cathedral.  Connections to a past we have to believe and makes us believe.  I think the protestant fellas should take a more liberal view of symbols.  Symbols have been teaching and guiding people since the beginning.  And then go see it in practice in India among the Hindus and Buddhists, Catholics and Muslims. 

Leuven in August, eh?  Not much time, eh, to do too much which is a good thing if an orientation begins in September.  mother of jesus you’re not serious are you, do you think it’s gonna happen?  What?  Should I keep looking for a better job?  What is that?  Is it in the states?  Are the better jobs in the states?  Why do I not feel ready to enter the country again, is it a place you can’t feel you can settle down?  get me a job in Houghton.  can I live there for the next…35 years?  I don’t think so.  old men like warm temps.  the Caribbean.  nancy, frank, advice on condo buying on an island with the occasional hurricane 200 miles off the coast so we can enjoy the occasional dark clouds and winds safely.

8:12pm—I need to eat something here but first, I read a summary of a fb friend’s dissertation which she sent me.  Fascinating stuff but I wrote down all these phrases and words I have no idea what they mean so here are a few because from what I read, I understand a few things a little clearer, sort of.

spiritual alchemy       

practiced solipsistically    

panenanthropic

becoming Aion

inherent divinity

salvific

          esoteric holism…exacerbates  solutions to world peace and America’s spiritual crisis

Giordano Bruno and the Theosophical Society

primitive religious experience

Hermetism

self-divinization is sacrificial

Ok, that last phrase is kind of creeping me out and needs to be identified and filleted if necessary. 

First using the word self in front of divinity in the noun form has lots of implications namely that man can attain divinity himself without divinity to help him.  I’m sure it’s more than that, buddy.  But it is sacrificial, isn’t it.  In every way.

http://spiritualalchemy.iwarp.com/

wow there’s a lot here, I’ll have to come back to it, but yeah,  I’m doing it now, practicing alchemy, what else is there to do around here?

http://www.cesnur.org/2010/to-oort.htm

I learned a new word today:  ‘The All is in the person’ is panenanthropic or panenanthropism.  And the author of this mind-bending article is the fb friend who has me spending the evening looking up words I don’t know and I’ll take a gander at this article, it is interesting to start…yikes, a rare psychological issue here, is it defined in the DSM-4?  Probably.  Well, I have to ask before I read anymore but the examples in the article, the two boys who killed, they’re pretty young to have absorbed what the writer is explaining.  I mean what did these killers know?  What did they read?  Is there madness inherit?  Is it learned or is it innate?  I should read more but I have the morning class coming up soon.

And there are a few words I didn’t write down but did me cause for alarm, the esoteric.  I hope I am not one of these though mingling the faiths together might be done by a few.  The occult is mentioned but ya know I am not there, man.  I understand and dig the shaman stuff because that makes sense but I need to stay away from the ‘new age’ selfish tomfoolery.  And there’s a lot of it.

And to be clear, Buddhism is not new age. 

We ate outside for lunch today, a tad brisk but the sun felt good and Rezek cooked a meal my mother could have whipped up herself, meatballs in a tomato sauce along with boiled potatoes, crunchy bread, rice, and a salad, in this case today, tomatoes and cucumber pieces in meste, yogurt.

It is possible, isn’t it, to trace a people from the food eaten?  Right?  This is the same damn food the Germans eat.  Where the hell do I go with this I haven’t before yet, it’s driving me loony.

Is there anything else here before we go to sleep, ok, listen to a little Ennio Morricone…

they was working together for sure

The rain fell lightly this morning, its smell is clean and new. An unusual overcast day, drink it in, remember these days when the sun roasts us in four months. Inside it is still coat and pashmina cold, I listen again to the receptive and repetitive journey of Koyaanisqatsi.  Defined, according to the inside jacket, this Hopi word denotes a crazy life, a life in turmoil, life disintegrating, a life out of balance, a state of life that calls for another way of living. 

In their given state, the Hopi predicted their own future, understood the inevitability and nature told them when a state of life called for a change. 

Given the white man’s decimation of these people,  that was an end of the world for the Hopi Nation.  And I must ask are Hopi prophecies applicable today and when they were recorded were they supposed to be for a wider audience?  If only to generalize, yes, the world is out of balance as usual, sometimes it feels the world is tipping over and here we go, other times it’s as if everything is cyclical and we do even out on occasion. In either case when I am busy neither of them matter, I prefer to be ignorant, really, I don’t ask for coincidences and I am certainly not trying to have them, and you tell me this is the way divinity communicates to people I should be grateful the coincidences are not bad ones. 

And prophecies from other peoples, tribes, faiths, are as valid as prophecies in the holy books.  Each religious generation since the beginning has adopted philosophies and symbols from beliefs and within the inheritance cultures, groups, nations,  adapted  and layers and layers of belief  has evolved through man’s insatiable appetite for truth which is the same for everyone and hasn’t changed since the beginning.

Our basic needs are pretty simple, eh?  We all know that.  The truth is simple if it weren’t for the rebellious spirit always trying to roost in my head. 

Every generation presents new challenges, albeit the challenges have been the same since the beginning, simply the new challenges require self-reflection and modification in order to survive. 

But returning to the beginning, isn’t that an innate desire, to be there when there was nothing and with nothing there is, was, truth.  Hey!  We’re in the garden of eden again with naked women.   Is there anything else man wouldn’t want if he didn’t yet have desire?

Eleven o’clock, rain falls, dark skies in the east.  Nice.

Faiths were never meant to compete with each other.  Divine Revelation came when it was time for those whom received it. 

Does Divine Revelation happen anymore?  Only for individual purposes?  I suppose it isn’t really necessary anymore, almost the whole world believes in a higher power, even the eleven percent atheists believe in the divinity of humanism. 

So? 

So?  I don’t know.  I think I should go outside.

7:41—the weekend has started yahoooo! what are we gonna do?  Not a darn thing.  The usual, survive, I started Grisham’s, ‘Gray Mountain’ that will be priority tomorrow.   It’s nice for my reading brain to change gears once in a while.

I have a family of mice living under the unplugged fridge.  They don’t appear to be afraid of me because I haven’t gone after them yet.  They are unable to get into my lower drawer which contains the biscuits but I did find their shit on top of the fridge.  Nothing there and you crap on my fridge? 

Thunder!

And I stood on the porch and there was one big crack and boom and the rain fell a little harder and then it stopped and through the ink black sky a large bright star appears in the south and said go back in and I did and toasted some p-c and had a cup of coffee and once again I speak of the old. 

I watched the big short and enjoyed it a lot.  I still didn’t understand a few things but I understand more of the crash now but I don’t think using a woman in a bathtub to explain anything was a good idea. 

Compassion is a universal wavelength between all sentient beings and faiths. 

“Why sure I saw Francis Xavier bumping forearms with the Buddha, they was working together on this one that’s for sure.”

I went for coffee and I came back and I am disconnected from the internet though in my lower screen I see five bars, I am connected my friend.

And no you can’t say telling someone about the spooky guy has any relation to the disconnect.

I scared a mouse away when I opened the bottom drawer with the biscuits and a bag of pine nuts.  I better eat these cookies and leave a few nuts for them away from me. And I’d like to know why I can't connect.  

the banks on the curbs

My right hand is always colder than my left.  Any reason for this?  I finished the toefl class thirty minutes ago, the house is silent except for Hanukah who's out doing something to stay warm in a house that refuses to warm up, today was 70, you’d never know it in the blue room, I still wear my winter coat and pashmina and the indispensable space heater remains loyal.

I was getting some negative energy from Europe and me wonders if I’ll get rejected at ku.  I won’t mind it, sure it’ll be the third post grad school I’ve been rejected but it will open the doors wildly and the kiwi people will again come into focus.  Anywhere else?  nope.  Should I stay here for another year?  No, please Lord, do I have to do a novena soon?

For lunch Rezek cooked liver and onions and it was good indeed but two coffees and seven hours later I concede not to put those two together again.  We’re coming up onto eight and I should eat.  Eggs again, toasted pb and j might be fine too.  Or both. 

Six months to go means six more paychecks and this is what I need to stay focused on because with this amount a no thank you from leuven means it’ll be somewhere beautiful.  and warm. 

let’s go to the kitchen, wait, Hanukkah passes by with his transistor.  they took away his television time, a man at war can do anything he well pleases let him watch faux wrestling.  I’m waiting for him to leave the kitchen so I can go in, why don’t you go now, I don’t want to get in each other’s way.  I don’t know what he’s heating up but it surely is food for few men other than Hanukkah.  I think tomorrow I should buy hamburgers for lunch.

1.27.16

Hanukkah woke me up at seven o’clock, a student was here.  There’s no class this morning, he’s new and is looking for grammar practice, a former translator for the You Es of Ay military and has procured an interview in hopes of getting the hell out of here. 

Almost nine and people stir in the house.  Rezek is in the kitchen making tea, yesterday he made milk chai and brought the round sesame bread, the front door opens and closes the familiar loud Bronx raspberry rub when the door’s corner and the floor come together when the door closes.  My own door has creaks in the joints when it swings, I know everyone in this house knows that sound.  When it’s beyond quiet and there are no books and television, when there is nothing to do but listen you hear everything.  That is, if you’re thinking of nothing. 

8.58pm—Some coincidences are easy to explain.  I gave Jon and his wife Irma a poster size printout of my ‘bindi’ photo framed and wrapped to celebrate the birth of their baby girl Sophie ten days earlier, and Jon said Sophie had a red dot on her forehead for a week and he was calling her the bindi baby.  That’s easy to understand. 

If I speak anymore about a triple coincidence I want to explain them here so if I find any question marks like, what does a cobweb cloud look like exactly, I’ll shut up about it.

1)  I cropped a photo I took in 2003 on Bali’s North coast of a longboat of tourists photo’ing a school of dolphins close to their boat.  I liked the sky, early morning, ripples, dimples, bimples like Sanders bumple chocolate cake and that was that I didn’t know the name given to these kinds of clouds. I liked the image and posted it on a blog.

2)  Later on the same day,  I sat down at the computer and for the past two weeks I’ve been listening to various stuff from Philip Glass and tonight I chose his work Koyaanisqatsi and the youtube load up had the inside jacket and three quotations from Hopi Prophecies and I copied the middle one because of the word cobweb clouds and posted it in a blog.

3)  The next morning I went up to the roof and had a splendid shoot of a variety of clouds and ya know what the hell is a cobweb in my room look like, well, here they are, in 360 panoramic fucking view.  I posted a few on social media.

To dismiss any meaning into this one has to say the clouds are not cobweb clouds. 

Second dismissal is to say something flowery or to think not of them as signs at all.  or you try to piece it together for what reason other than to keep yourself permanently spinning into holes and god help me where am I gonna be spit out next.

KU. 

A third dismissal could be, hey, cool, you’re in sync with clouds, nature, and that’s pretty cool.  Enjoy it. 

I took a local shower, ala with a bucket, I wish I had one of them loofa brushes on days like this.  Well, it sure felt good to clean up a bit, put on my light blue kamees and the big boss and I went to the bank with the western union office in it but the man who did that would come in at two so we left and went to the other bank that has a MoneyGram and in there we sat hoping the new security system installed would work and let me send money to Nepal and we waited for two hours and at two we returned to western union and I sent money while a man in a jim carrey blue suit stood next to me and I told him he needed a sax phone and a jazz band to manage and he asked how much this suit would cost in the US, I think he designed it himself, maybe 300 bucks and was he excited to hear that. 

And we returned exhausted after not doing too much but sitting in empty unused banks while money changers sat with their mini kiosks right outside the banks on the curbs.