Folly la la

 

Hope is a good thing, it must be the only reason we keep going.  But what is hope if what we hope for is simply not meant to be, what kind of hope is that?  Should we know, really, that hoping for something irrational is not hope at all?  And where is the bearded old man in all this, trust God, love God and let's hope we can persuade, persuade? yes, persuade God to change the irrational hope into something wonderful.  I know, a predetermined view of life means God does not change what is already so, unless, changing ones stars is part of that predeterminism.  Should I really continue to hope irrationally?  Aren't I boxing in the almighty creator if I conclude some things just weren't meant to be in my life?  Where will my hope lie?  In the obvious?  Is my hope only tied to my performance?  It kind of takes faith out of the picture then.  What is faith without hope?  What is hope without faith?   

Christmas morning is cold, relatively speaking.  When there are no furnaces, when there is no insulation, when the fleece isn’t within reach, it’s cold.  Yet as soon as the sun rises we are warm, we don’t need to hope for that, right?  The sunrise is reliable.  Who ever imagines the day the sun will not rise?

So, what do I hope for today?  No students?  Good students?  A good lesson?  They’re burned out, all your classes are in English and you’re not a native speaker.  It’s tough, half the classes were absent, there is talk now they will all stop coming after next week.  The students pull the strings here.  If the collective bunch impose demands for the end of the something it will end.  We as the teaching body, scratch our heads wondering what in God’s Christmas day name are we doing here.

No one is happy.  I am not happy.  Oh, but wait, I’m grateful.  Considering an outing to Dubai may save three or four hours but what I save in time, I will lose in money.  But why delay the gratification of owning some new books.  The price to get there will offset the contentment you’ll have when you crack the binder and disappear in someone else’s imagination.  Sigh. 

Why not wait until next week, the next bloody year.  What’s wrong staying in this good for nothing kitty box.  I’m obsessed with saving money, that’s what it is.  I’m so happy, right, I can’t get my driver’s license. Look, you’re saving at the expense of moving around.

Wimp.  Tomorrow, take a taxi, cross the border, take a bus, check into an Indian hotel, spend half the day in taxis and on the metro, buy a few books, look for the vitamins and then return, cross the border pay another unscrupulous taxi, come home, wish you hadn’t left, turn on the tv, read the empty walls, pray, light a candle, wish you were present with God, light another ciggie, and go to bed to start another absurd week of folly.  That’s all life is.  Folly.  Folly la la, folly folly loo loo.