That sonnava...

I don’t have any reason to rejoice about being another year older.  Would I be happy if there was a reason to be happy?  When I turned 40 and 45 I took friends out for dinner and that was fine.  These were self created life markers and it seemed natural to share the moment with someone else.  At 50 word got out and the family on the mountain gave me a cake and gifts and it was nice.  I appreciated the effort but it would have been ok if nothing happened at all.  Why celebrate if there is nothing to celebrate?  So what, I am a year older.  Should I be thankful for being alive? 

Ok, I am thankful that I haven’t had to visit a dentist in the past year.  I am thankful I haven’t had any serious physical problems that would have taken me to see a doctor.  I am very thankful for this.  What else.  I am thankful I have a job though I wish the job were somewhere else. 

Are you thankful for what you don’t have?

What a bizarre twist.  I am thankful I don’t have anyone to love?  I am thankful I see the sun rise every morning and there is no one share this with?  I am thankful I go from job to job pushed by a restlessness that can’t be tamed?  I am thankful for being indecisive, without ambition? 

I look at jobs around the world, what’s more important, the salary or the location.  It would be nice to have both, a salary like the kind I see in the Middle East somewhere in Asia or Europe.  Not too long ago I said the salary wasn’t as important now as it used to be.  Before I couldn’t save a plugged nickel.  Living from paycheck to paycheck and friends would say where is all that money going?  But now, I can save.  All things being relative, there’s no value in personal goods.  I’ll wear the same pair of trousers until they fall off.  Tattered ties, worn out collars, who’ll see the stains, worry not. 

Can you look at today and say ok, my goal is….nah, I can’t do that.  My goals are limited in time.  Looking for a new job will happen when the time comes.  Planning ahead, too far ahead creates only stress.  I have been thinking of leaving this unfortunate part of a country I don’t want to leave and think of the anxiety that will occur when I do leave.  But I can’t continue to avoid what has to be done.  My disappointment is summed up in the 3km to the border-180km to get there equation.  Sure in another six weeks I can apply for a road pass and the equation would be solved, but to wait six months, well, that’s a lot of time to think and wait and change minds.

This morning I graded placement exams and half of them didn’t do the writing part.  One student out of 14 will not begin in the beginning level.  That one student, not surprisingly, is from Basra.  He is motivated.  He has been, most likely, displaced, and knows, whether it’s through family or the natural predicament, that a little bit of English might open some doors for him.  The rest?  Has your life already been mapped out? 

My lower back feels a little better today but it still feels the process is slower.  Why be surprised?  I’m not surprised, I’m depressed.  It’s an indication of age.  Are you surprised you haven’t met anyone again?  You’re speaking in a tone that suggests I am not going to meet someone again.  Well, look around, what’s going to change for you in the next five months?  Not a damn thing.  And after that?  Ya know if you stay in this part of the world you’re simply going to be disappointed even though your friends all met partners here.  So can’t I hold out for that kind of good fortune? Though seriously that kind of hope, that is what drove me mad five years ago leaving me with more questions than answers and the answers, ha ha.  The biggest dope in the world I am.  Hope and disappointment with God.  That big sonnava….