pedagogical suppository anyone?

10.20.14

‘Mister John Abu Dhabi has not sent the paperwork back to us.  We will call you when it arrives.’  I know every day I don’t have the pass days are subtracted from the ninety days and that is ok for now.  I want it this Friday and if I still don’t have it then it’ll be disappointing.  I assume the paperwork is sitting on a desk in an unadorned room with hundreds of other applicants and it’s simply not a priority.  But then I wonder if my name comes up red flagged.  What do they got on me really?  I broke no laws and was never arrested.  What they have is hearsay, wiretapped emails, nine weeks of CID surveillance, what do they have?  Why does he want a border pass, is he getting involved in communications with the spirit world again?

10.21.14

I return to the grotto around eight in the evening and I’m looking at the bed.  I have to eat and wait a few hours because I don’t want to wake up two hours before sunrise.  Sure morning is the most peaceful time, I open the sliding doors and let the cool breeze in and it ought to be a time to meditate and clear confusion, remove the negative uncertainties and focus on what is good, what is hopeful.  Cultivating an attitude of peace dissolves fear and it doesn’t come easy.  It takes practice.  It’s like training for a marathon, you need a schedule and you have to follow it.  Time isn’t an issue here, I have an abundance of it.  So?  What are you waiting for?

I look at jobs in the states, attractive ones in cities I’d be happy to live but there are papers I don’t have and can’t get.  A post at Michigan Tech asks for three confidential letters of recommendation.  Who can get a confidential letter except those who are recent graduates, let alone three.  Houghton is as isolated as Buraimi and probably its meteorological opposite but come spring, it’s another heaven.  What would be my chances if I simply moved there or to any desirable cities and applied in person, sure I’d have a decent chance of something part time and then if they liked me perhaps a contract would be offered.  That is the only way I could return and to do that I’d need a considerable nest egg.

My life is half over and what do I have to show for it.  Photos, marginally average writing and no pension.  It scares me, it bothers the crap out of me and yet lethargy seeps in and there is nowhere to turn but my present job.  I could stay right here ya know, but any quality of life requires mobility and spending money.  And I am too lethargic to spend money but if this border pass is rejected I will spend dammit.

10.22.14

Adaptive learning is nothing more than a pedagogical suppository.

Ideas are free, writers are thieves and liars.

Tomorrow I’ll return to Hili for my border pass, if it has arrived. A three day weekend approaches, the Islamic new year is acknowledged.  Is there a reason to celebrate another lunar calendar completed, not for the poor and embittered.  A colleague has been gracious, giving me lifts after evening classes and tonight we go to Lulus, a chance to stock up on French yogurt, three bean salad, a pastry of some kind, cheddar cheese.  I am grateful to spend money on food inaccessible on foot. 

I’m glad to finish another book of Theroux’s fiction.  Depressing really, a man uses datura to write his book and the addiction costs him his vision, an old story of selling the soul for something grand, well, it was well written, what is next, a Leon Uris thriller, a history of Vasca De Gama, E.M. Forester, the final novel of Pat Barker’s world war one trilogy.  When these are read it’s road trip time for more to the big shwarma.  There’s no rush now, with a laptop I am tempted to produce midterm exams, continuous assessments, writing exercises what the heck, at home and why not.  Empowerment is being prepared and I answer to no one but 24 presently eager and innocent minds.

Chatting with Jamuna yesterday revealed the non-coincidental woman has been angry with me for five years though she couldn’t exactly explain why.  I know why.  Every time I show up on the mountain she assumes I’m still hoping and that is not the case as I’ve told many. Her family life is a wreck and the bald fart who married Laxmi is a breach of all that is decent.  A Diwali pledge given to him by the second wife is non-binding and doesn’t give, at least it shouldn’t give someone license to be a leech and a scoundrel.  But I am the axiomatic outsider and there is nothing I can do but encourage my friend to take a stand in a society of unbalanced norms and fight for the rights of women.

10.23.14

The border pass is good for three months and I am happy to have it.  There is something, I don’t know the right word here, but it feels nostalgic, romantic, liberating, to cross into another country on foot. So, you’re crossing tomorrow?  Ya, Mcdonalds for breakfast, mass at 9am, hmmm., maybe breakfast after, then what…a meander in the mall until lunch at Paco’s.  What a life.