thanks Mr. Bailey

12.24.14

This is the first time I can ever recall where I am not expecting any miracles on Christmas Eve.  Yes, I used to imagine the spirit of the season bringing an indescribable moment in my life that would change everything, or a sign to the world that all would be good.  I was never disappointed the following day because I knew my expectations were always half-baked.  I’d sigh and chastise myself for thinking so foolishly.  But now, it’s only a Wednesday.  There are no expectations.

Today was speaking assessment number two and I finished at 7.30pm, drove home, ate my usual pita with cheese, tomato and cucumber things, watched the news for a few minutes, quickly scanned social media, I know those I know with families enjoy this time of year and rightly so they should, it’s supposed to be a time to celebrate the birth of Jesus, all wars and malice toward each other are laid aside, even if just for a day. 

When was the last time you enjoyed such a moment with family I’d have to go back to the beginning.  I just wanna get through this day.

I’m not gonna touch that foul whiskey though I’d like something.  It’s too late to walk to the hotel, I have to go in tomorrow.  I did cancel the level meeting and tutoring sessions so there’s really nothing to do.  One of the teachers has organized a pot luck in an office, I’ll bring the chocolate short bread cookies I bought a week ago and never got to myself.  In another life I would have made something from scratch. 

And I won’t drink anything tomorrow unless I cancel the drive to Dubai on Friday.  Sometimes it stinks being sober when you live alone.  I’ll listen to Dylan now:

Well It ain’t no use sittin n wonderin why babe, if you no don’t know by now

That’s right it ain’t no use sittin around and wonderin what the hell is going on.  Nothing is going on, this is the life you have chosen from very few options.   

12.25.14

A cloudy pre sunrise was enough to get up and drive out to see that hot mass escalate and it was nice but it was also a tad chilly and now eight hours later I have a sore throat so I started taking grapefruit seed extract again and made an Irish coffee.  I went to the office at nine and left at 1pm.  Colleagues had a pot luck Christmas and the director was kind enough to make a presence and remind everyone to pray for all who suffer on this day.  It was touching and worthy of an Amen.  So what are you doing for Christmas dinner?  You jest.  Yesterday a tex-mex fast food restaurant opened up next to McDonalds.  Should I venture out for a Christmas Chimichanga?  I think I’ll climb back into bed.

8.00pm

I am glad to own a copy of It’s a Wonderful Life.  I know I’m a Grinch this time of year but George Bailey reminds me of the gift of life and no matter how depressing it gets, there is something I, we, give to each other that makes it worth it.  Sure, I heard the Pope’s message today, he was imploring the all-mighty and merciful creator to share a little bit of that mercy for Christians who are suffering in ways that are so unimaginable one wonders what kind of faith they have but they do have faith and every minute they’re praying for deliverance.  Forgive me Lord for my whining, the miracle I stopped expecting is around me every day.  It’s what I take for granted, shelter, food, clothes and the freedom from war and fear.  Lord, if I stop whining and start thanking you every day for this life would you do something for those really bad off?  When their faith is reduced to surviving each day, when their faith is in the hope that they would see heaven, that they’d see YOU!, how can you wait any longer, how can you?  Maranatha, Lord Jesus Come.