This is nice
music to listen to when you have much to consider. We submitted our grades today, fifteen of my
remaining twenty students passed. For
the next two weeks there are a few more exams I’ll invigilate, there’s some
paperwork to be done, perhaps even a little preparation for next semester would
be prudent. Or I could take Bleeding
Edge to the office and finish it.
I picked up
my border pass this morning, another three months to enter the Emirates, so
this Friday it’s Dubai for a few things.
And what
else have you been considering? I am
terribly overweight and burning indigestion ought to motivate me to exercise,
do something you louse before it’s hot again and you can’t do anything.
This past week chats of the written variety with old acquaintances put me in contemplative moods. What good is it to look back, to remember what was good, to not repeat what was bad. I know my future, I told her, I will die alone and be buried next to my mother and father. Saying that used to bother me, such absurd self-pity but ten years on it’s still true and for what it is, it is what it is and strangely, it is ok to accept the fate. When I divorced, my father changed his will, requested to be cremated and added my name into the will so that there would be space for me in the ground next to them in the Southfield cemetery. I have never seen this will but I was told, I can’t remember by my mother or my oldest sister. My father must have known something, his instincts, his spirit told him I would never marry again and I would live alone, as I have for the past 17 years. I resisted this inevitability, fought with God, pleaded with the heavens to change this ultimatum but now I have tired and I accept. Whatever, God. Whatever the hell you want, I can’t change the future if the future has already been decided. And that is especially true in relationships.
I proctored
a math class today and this young woman, lord o lord, if there were a reason to
go to prison, my goodness. Her eyes,
sparkling golden brown, creamy coffee skin, freckles dot her cheeks, but I have
too much common sense to do anything that would inevitably be worse for
her. Throw me in prison, fine, and what
happens to her would be far worse than anything done to me. Mind you, there is no lust in observing such
beauty, it’s admiration, it’s wonder, there’s no desire here, there’s a child
with a gift of extraordinary loveliness and I look at her and wonder. That’s all, I wonder.
1.29.15
How many men
out there skip a shower now and then?
How many men sleep in the clothes they wear to work? It is a fortunate to have that freedom once
in a while, right? When it’s cold enough
clothes don’t stink up, when I only have to show up at the office and someone
is eating canned tuna I am not noticed.
I think
about the summer, assume now I will stay here another year, going to the job
fair in March doesn’t appeal at all though I still look online though not
aggressively. A border pass is
appeasing, having a car settles my restless tendencies, ironically. My deadline to decide is three months away
and anything can happen but I know without effort I won’t be going
nowhere. Is that a double Detroit
negative? I don’t know nothing.
If my car
doesn’t give me troubles on the road to Dubai I have a list of books to look
for, one that could accompany me to the tear drop island in two weeks. Here is the list:
All the light we cannot see
The Romanov Sisters
Rainbow Rowell
Something other than God…
The Empathy Exams
Beethoven
Lila
Dept. of Speculation
Euphoria
I still have
the dbl Economist issue which would be enough for eight days on the beach,
mountains and gardens, and certainly it is light enough since I’ll only have a
day pack, but I’d like something really engaging. I don’t know nothing.
This Saturday I must go in to invigilate an optometry exam. I am afraid I will forget. And why are you afraid of your car breaking down? Well, it’s 13 years old, sometimes it makes noises. Lord o Lord.
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