family faith and fear

This morning I read a plane couldn’t land in Kathmandu because there was no one in the air traffic control tower.  I am guessing the man was on the floor sleeping.  Overworked, understaffed, you name it.  Tomorrow I’ll bus to Muscat and take the early morning flight to the ravaged city.  I feel sick, I feel fear, my heart and my spirit, my stomach tremble, am I crazy for going, who am I what can I do, I am only one facing hundreds of thousands of frightened, hungry, homeless.  I spoke and chatted with a few via google this afternoon in Sarangkot and I understand the one thing every Nepalese wants to do is return to normalcy.  Reminders return with every shake, fear is beyond understanding, loss is immeasurable.  Life must continue.  There are people who need to get married, there are children who need to return to school, there are businesses who wish customers return.  Those outside the effects of the Indian plate pushing up into the Tibetan plate are ok, they and their loved ones are intact, praise be to whoever is listening but what will remain with every soul in this country is sadness and despair.  Am I right going, yes, will I actually get to where I want to go, I hope but I understand if I don’t, it’s not in my hands.  I spoke with a young energetic man and told him I’m not coming for a holiday, I am on unpaid leave and I’ve got a heavy suitcase of dried goods, bandages, over the counter medicine and I want to distribute it, I’ll buy you some chocolates and some clothes because you are good but this isn’t a holiday.

I have watched so much cnn and bbc I am numb.  All the places I’ve been to in the last six years are in ruins.  I don’t wish to remain in Kathmandu, there is now an exodus of the city, but I am thinking maybe I will stay one night if I can.  The people in the makeshift camps could use what I have.  What about the remote villages you want to go to with your instant soups and granola bars, this has to be arranged once I am in Sarangkot and to be frank, the villagers may not be up for visiting some of the wreckage.  I will take contact numbers.  I’ve spoken with a lot of people here in the desert who want to give and they say they will if I can provide some logistics.  Shelter is what the affected need first and I am not bringing shelter.  Clean water is what is needed and I am not bringing water.  These necessities can be purchased in Pokhara.  And getting transport, and finding villages that aren’t cut off because of buckled roads, this kind of effort is best met with organizations already established in Pokhara.  So, we’ll see.  I haven’t had a decent night of sleep in four days, headaches persist, thinking, fearing, and I’m not even there, Lord, what is it, those who have little, why take that as well.  Family and faith replaced by fear.  There is nothing to fear except fear itself.  FDR might have reconsidered this if he knew how bad nature can shake your belief in everything. 

So much has happened this week I can’t not think there is some connection with the novena I wrote.  Today was day six, I may not get to eight and nine if I don’t have an internet connection.  Why don’t you print it out, ok I will do that.  Good idea.  Don’t let me forget.  I am forgetting a lot of things today.  I arrived at the office this morning at seven forty and forgot all my books and lessons I worked on last night so I drove back home, the books were sitting right there, crazy, and I returned to school, taught my lessons and I kept wondering if I had locked the door so I went back after class and it was locked of course, two years of locking the door becomes a habit if your mind is four hours away.  And last night I contacted my landlord and asked him if he could come by tonite and I’d pay my rent.  When I had returned to check the locked door I made a cup of tea and my landlord came.  Was this a coincidence?  This was the first time in two years I had returned to the grotto in the middle of the work day.  He didn’t know I would be there, he always comes in the evening to collect rent.  I don’t know what to think.  But I am praying to the Lord almighty, land that plane.  It’s all I ask…for now.  Amen.  Om.