monday morning shblues

oh I got troubles

maybe not as bad as yours

but they keep me awake at night

my mind never rests

my mind never finds peace or contentment

my mind worries and I have to fight

my own mind

every damn day

every bleeding moment

and by the end of every day

you’d think there’d be a looking back

at the day to say what the hey

all that for nothing.

I live in a cloister, a monastery without monks, an encampment protected by men with rifles.  But I can walk out and the soldiers sitting outside the door can’t say nothing except to themselves, we’re being paid to protect these foreigners and this one walks out alone on foot. 

why is my peace

so elusive

why must I live my whole

life hoping and praying

for a place to remain

content.

we’re not asking for happiness here

contentment

we’re certainly not asking for love since

asking for that is the most painful

a constant reverberating

fuck you

can’t you see you’re better off without love

no I can’t and I can’t believe we

are having this conversation.

Transport leaves in about two hours.  I have to take a shower, I have to dress and pack and go, I’d like to lay down one more time and close my eyes for a few minutes of rest, a restless night it was, two Xanax failed to let me sleep.  What to take at night  I wish I didn’t have to take anything.  Because I know elsewhere in the world I do not have this problem.   So, dealing with this environment is the key to being at peace at getting a solid night’s sleep.

I think it’s been a year or much more since I climbed into bed to sleep and didn’t take something beforehand.  Surely there must have been a time.  When  I was a kid, I don’t think so.  I don’t remember taking anything until I started sneezing all the time and then it was painful shots and theodur and that’s all I want to remember now.

Simply put, there was nothing wrong with my sleep then.   I wasn’t taking anything to sleep.  My lifestyle left me exhausted, it was no problem.

Ah, the key, again.  The treadmill.  Ya, I know, maybe tonight or tomorrow.  Tomorrow the university is closed because the first day of the holiday is also a public one so once back into interacting with people I have to be sharp and not sit in front of the students calmly and not talk.  You have a question, ask.  I don’t have any questions.  Why should I ask the questions, oh right, because I am being paid to teach and ask questions, yes, but not when there is nothing to discuss, we can talk about that if you’d like.

The top of my left foot is covered in scabs, scratching like a mad man last night, I don’t know what it could have been other than insects that habitat for long periods of time in this blanket or do they come through the window and the screen as the winds blow I don’t know but it doesn’t happen every day I hope not, just add another worry to the pile.

The little man who keeps this floor clean comes in usually at eight thirty or so, it’s nine thirty now so I washed the dishes which is one of his jobs, but I know the glasses and utensils and plates and pans are cleaner when I do it so it’s no problem.

Today is 6.6.16.  sign of the devil plus one.  also lots of threes plus one. 

Understandably so it is too early to start making plans like booking hotel rooms and flights, I mean flights, at least three weeks is the average, right?  for getting a good price on a flight?  but the university is paying for it so it doesn’t matter?  are you sure they’re paying for it, especially if you want to break the flight up, I don’t know I may have to pay for a flight, I really shouldn’t wait any longer to talk to the folks.  they’re not nervous because they’re not going anywhere, there’s no rush, there’s no urgency other than to plan ahead which I simply can’t or won’t or shouldn’t worry about.

I should worry about it.  I shouldn’t.  Things happen when it comes to us and everyone is on the same page eventually.  My eagerness to leave is making it more stressful I cannot deny.  Three weeks will feel like three weeks in two weeks and in two weeks it’ll still feel like three weeks, it’s awful!!!

Lord have mercy

on this country

there is no freedom

of life

liberty and the pursuit of happiness

there is no government to speak of who can promise protection

we all have to pay

for protection

Christ have mercy

Lord you know I need

your mercy more than

a half dozen eggs

please give me peace

peace of mind

free from fear and want

free from myself

who torments me with idiocy

and doubt

lord, may your strength be my strength.

Next to my bedside I have two icons from Tbilisi and the ebony Buddha from Kandy and they’re looking at each other passively, there’s nothing to be said that hasn’t already been said, we work together when it is necessary.

Like now?  Of course, it’s a non-stop occupation, time is without space and I sure don’t like keeping track of it here because it is another source of tension and one I have to simmer and keep cool.

It’s almost time to take a shower and become a professional again.  Lord Have Mercy, Christ have Mercy, Lord have mercy.

and anything you wanna throw in, there mr. Gotama, I’m open for advice.  Shanti Om.