12.23.2012
The spirit possessed me because I didn’t have a spirit. Did I have one when I was born? Did it remain with me throughout my whole
life until one day it left? Did the
spirit of Jesus live in me? Did I then have two spirits? When I was a young Catholic? St. Francis and the Buddha aren’t working
together? Combining the two is
unhealthy? Does it explain my terrible
headache right now?
Choose a faith, he said.
Choose Buddhism, of course he’d say this. Too many spirits, too many faiths, true simplicity
and contentment and peace of mind might come simply from not believing in any
of them. To become a godless atheist,
this is good?
Love all, trust few.
I’d like my own spirit to return.
Please. Whoever that is. I can’t and would never give up on the tenets
of Buddhism, and I can’t and would never give up the basic tenets of
Catholicism, certainly not. So, when did
my spirit leave? How long was I empty in
spirit? I guess there was a moment when
my spirit may have departed…October in Dubai? 2008?
Did I utter the unpardonable sin at the end of the marriage?
Maya had to ask if there was a Nepali woman in my future
that I was to marry. I turned to Dolker
and said the one in question was a result of a coincidence perpetrated by an
unkind entity, who shall remain nameless. I don’t care if she was my grandmother, it
scared that girl and while it wasn’t her intention, it’s the kind of mistake
only someone in my family would make. I
know because I hold the door to the dumb things dept.
So, where do I go now?
Look for a job. Where? I don’t even want to entertain this because
my headache is coming back. Two days to
Christmas. I am certainly not in the
mood. If I do become in the mood will I
be restored to a normal life? The
miracles of the holiday, I don’t deserve anything and would be selfish to ask
knowing what I know and that is what I need to accomplish. Knowing what I know. Would it be better to stop knowing? It has to be healthier to not think at
all. Is that what Buddhism offers? Empty the head, believe in one, and what
else?
12.24.2012
The sun rises clearly, there is no change, Lamjung,
Annapurna, looking down on as they have since the beginning of time. Choose your faith, choose your God. Who do I want my God to be, believing in all
the faiths or none of the faiths. An
animist perhaps? I have to give credit
to where credit is due, atheism, though, dismisses all connections with nature
and the divine. Silence ought to be my
creed this Christmas, disgraced for four years, the new beginning, every day
now there will be no thoughts of the end.
Ha! I am finished thinking about
the end. What a relief, four fucking
years.
My spirit departed?
And this shaman filled the void?
My spirit departed, really?
That’s depressing, well, I can think of many reasons why the spirit
would leave but believe me I never asked the spirit to leave. Well, I have no reasons anymore to visit
Nyima, he has done his job. He has given
me instructions, it is up to me now.
Find a stupid butt licking job.
Gee, such jolliness.
A lot of people believed something was going to happen on
12.21 and nothing did. The weather made
us believe something was different, heavy fog and no sun on the day. At least six men from the village stopped and
told me, hey look, we no die. Well, I
never told anyone we would die, only heaven would come. Up and down.
People here now will see me as a westerner who smoked too much
ganga. It is as simple as that, and
these people, who so badly wanted to see the ‘change’ will return to their
everyday scratching and clawing for a decent life, for meaning they will only
need to turn to their family. And that is
what everyone has up here, except me.
Nyima’s medium said I’d need another puja when I am 81. Shit, I wish I didn’t know this, another
thirty years on earth? That sucks
completely to do it alone. My God my
God, why have you left me here alone?
Who are you today God? Om? Intercessory prayer? I am a bit undecided about ya’ll right now.
But if he is right, then I can push the envelope and challenge death
daily. Where will I start? Paragliding without a seatbelt? Swimming in the Seti with no clothes? Drinking bottle after bottle of local wine
until I puke my large intestine out in one long piece? Is that possible?
12.25.2012
I didn’t think I’d see the
day to be honest. Am I
disappointed? I went down with Guy and
his Pakistani assistant who shall remain without name in a taxi to the airport
and then after going through the usual second hand bookshops looking at the
same books over and over I had a measly lunch that was enough to climb back up
the mountain.
I understand no one will
listen to me now that we are still here but let me clarify something I hope
anyone who reads this understands: no spirit ever told me anything was going to
happen on 12.21.12, I naively took that date for bandwagoning reasons because I like closure like
everyone else.
I had my doubts because the
spirit never gave me that date but what discourages me is the spirit didn’t do a damn
thing in letting me think like a nutcracker for four mentally anguishing years
that this wasn’t the bloody date. I do feel foolishly misled, suffering from delusions of grandeur, go ahead say it.
So, Niyma, it appears,
performed a partial exorcism, or rather it may have been a smack down. Pick a faith.
In your day you had a lot of choices, The God of Israel or pagan gods. So should I consider becoming a Jew? Is that the real faith? Those funny Jews, how you have beat them
up. No thanks, I’d rather not believe
like that though I’ll always admire.
In a mad scramble I moved
into room five yesterday and now remain here.
The Tibetan carpet is very nice between the beds. With all my possessions in bags the time to
purge is imminent. I have eight t-shirts
so I gave the Pakistani assistant the Obama Hope t-shirt. You’re not really who I wanted to think you
were, right? Scientific
Reincarnation? Anyone else in history
but the other dude who say’s he’s God.
So I read that those in
cults who believed the end of the world would occur and are wrong become
defiantly confident that it is still going to happen. That’s very strange to me. I am humbled and embarrassed that all we got
here on the mountain that day was very heavy fog and we never saw the sun. The
night before I danced sheepishly around the lighted mandala and banged the gong
the spirit used four years ago in Al-Ain, my audience at the end of farcial charade: five little
children.
And then we drank around
the fire next to the mandala and I had had enough and went to sleep an hour
before midnight. I guessed maybe
something will happen at 12:37am or pm, or 5:14pm and to make sure nothing was
going to happen we said if something does happen it’ll occur in the last time
zone, give or take an island, Hawaii, and of course time past and I was cooked
and it was time to see Niyma.
And now that everyone is
back to normal, as for the coincidences, there was communication with the spirits,
unfortunately there were more than one influencing me. I have no anger towards you, Grandma, but it
doesn’t matter if the woman I’d like to fall in love with is the eighth
daughter or third daughter.
12.26.2012
I wear the glass colored bracelets Guy gave to Suraksha
because Maya gave the expensive thai purchased in koh samui polished hard beans
accessories thing she wore on the outside of her bag to the Pakistani assistant
for no reason at all. We complain about
a 270% percent tax mark up on a Ford Ranger but it is nothing compared to the
300% mark up the woman of this house executed yesterday. It disturbs me sometimes, this unscrupulous
manner in which money is made here. It
is corruption at the level where the wolf, for example, smells a baby lamb with
a wounded clavicle.
Sarangkot’s road to
Kaskikot is getting widened in many places including the main strip with
restaurants, lodges, and shops with a steam shovel thus the ripping of cement
of a few of these restaurants, lodges and shops is all welcome to certain
degrees by the locals who live there.
I looked at jobs today.
I can work there if I need to. I
can also work there if I need to. But do
I want to live in either of these cities and countries? Where do you want to go? I want to go to New Zealand.
How in the world am I ever going to get there with no money?
Bffffttt…I am not that smart right now. The
power goes off and the cheap sandalwood incense is not good. Oh Guy, sorry
about that. This stuff is worse than
cigarette smoke. Thanks for the real
sandalwood chips. The aroma is uniquely
fruity.
12.28.2012
The worst kept secret on the mountain is buying gangi from
the tightly wound man right below the guesthouse. John John.
Don’t tell anyone ok, not good, brother in custody three months…” and
he’s yelling my name for everyone to hear.
So now it’s no longer a secret anymore I’m looking around getting little
donations here and there and then Jokard lures me right into the home I had
been looking down at for the last five months, Maya waves from the garden
above, and has a nice amount, long enough to do something I don’t know
what.
I can beat myself up all night and day and it won’t change a
thing. You told people the world was
going to end. I only got the date wrong,
please. And Nyima’s spirit said I’d need
a puja when was eighty one so I guess nothing’s happening.
Nothing is going to happen.
And the world will not end in this life.
A new life.
Jack? Where and how? Going back to school. Thailand.
Money. Location. Somewhere new?
Nyima’s spirit could be wrong about that eighty one and I
don’t like to think of being eighty one let alone what comes next year. Cutting off facebook at Christmas time. What to make of that? I’m so far away this time. Walking up the mountain that afternoon, the
kids all along the trail wishing me happy Christmas and I gave them
nothing. And I had a bag of Werther’s
and I could have stopped and been marauded instead I kept saying no to everyone
on the way who greeted me. What a
Grinch. No, it wasn’t a good day.
Many tikas on the foreheads of men today. Suman comes home. From one crazy man to another I sure can
cough but it is a good cough, the kind that you cough so bloody hard you’re
guaranteed to expel anything that ought not to be in the lungs or windpipe.
Coughing out the poison.
Tomorrow a group of forty or so are coming for breakfast and
lunch. Laxman told me they are
hemophiliacs and they are children.
Together we read the definition of this terrible disorder. He left to drink below. I drink a beer alone in the dining room, the
children are in the tv room, Maya’s helping with the guests in room six and the
man of the house is below.
12.29.2012
A chapter of the Nepal Hemophelia Society met on the roof
and we fed fifty people breakfast and lunch.
Suman is quite put out with my failure to deliver the goods and bring
the end of the world to his doorstep. I
can pass the buck and blame a spirit no one believed in the first place but
that’s just what everyone expects.
But if I repeat myself on one point it’s prior to October
2008 I never thought about the end of the world and didn’t know what the fuck a
shaman was. And I wish I didn’t fucking know now. Fuck.
Unless you bring it by the end of the month we will really be
finished. Fuck you. Iistened to you. All I wanted was a fuking girlfrield you
fuck. Fuk.. end of the fuk you. You fucked me good. I doubted yu from the
beginning because someone better was there?
You misled me you fucking piece of shit.
In the blink of an eye.
Twelve twenty one fucking dork fuck.
When did my spirit leave>
fuck, you leave too.
I can’t see myself anymore teaching all squeaky clean. Too much trauma. Too much.
I have a crazy condition with regards to the one who used to
be known as the princess of Sarangkot, all she has to do is say good morning
and….and I won’t expect even that. What
the fuck am I fooling> give up you
fucking old fuck fuck. A fuck fuck,
that’s what we got here, a fuck fuck.
12.30
A sore throat followed by a runny stuffed nose and tomorrow
is the end of the year. I hear the Piker
is in the neighborhood. We’ll have to meet and quaff. Dates, I can’t think every date may be it,
thankfully only two bother me now: tomorrow and 1.21.13 both which will
undoubtedly leave me being wrong again.
I know I could work for Amideast in the West Bank, I just
have to be there. Sigh. The job in Sur saddens. Live on a campus in no where land and you
have to have something strong to endure. A job working with lawyers in Tehran
looked interesting.
Choose a faith. When
did my spirit depart? Did the spirit
depart in 1991? Did the spirit depart
the last time I banged my head on cement in marriage?
I do think forgetting the coincidences completely instead of
wondering why they happen(ed) is a better route. I was misled in the most dramatic of ways I
must say and I have to straighten up and dress professionally in the rags I own
and be and do what I know how to do. I
wish the Turks wouldn’t dress like businessmen in academics.
And at the end of the day those who know me will simply
shrug. I can’t say anything crazier than
I have stated for the past four years. I
am glad the date is done with and I believe this journey is done. No, there’s no conclusion about the meanings
of many of the coincidences and I guess I’ll never know, but I need to move on
and, and, tomorrow another month? Wow,
if they say no, where will I go? Please
no to the Emirates to wait. There really
isn’t. Maybe this is the time to say
goodbye to everyone and walk into the woods.
1.3.13
I have seen a few jobs which have interested me but I appear
to be moving very slow. I have about
eighty five dollars left. This morning
it seemed logical; move to west Hollywood and teach in the LA public schools. I could live in a shelter until I have saved
enough to find a place. The enthusiasm
for returning to America is being tempered however by the thought of living in
a shelter. The kindness of strangers I
hate to rely on, even those I know have become strangers. Where else?
Blah blah. I am a stranger to
myself, lost in the immaterial, wanting more answers to another world and no
one can help me so we trod along.
West Hollywood intrigues but really, public schools? I might as well be a North Korean. China allures, salaries higher now than ever
before, Japan blah blah, Asia. Four
Chinese speaking Malays are in rooms six and four. I sit in the cold room, bundled, the door is
open, it doesn’t matter if it is closed when it’s cold it’s cold. Malaysia. I looked at a language school in Penang and I
can’t see myself looking clean anymore. The
beard grows on, white, itching somewhat but not terribly. I really don’t mind wearing the same clothes
day after day if they don’t stink. How
can I do that down there below, I am safe for the time being right here on this
god-darned mountain. An asian couple
with a child check into room one and litter their wet clothes on the railing.
Who wouldn’t have followed that spirit? He cleared the path
and I went along. Glancing back during
the last days I always doubted but greatly anticipated. Who placed the doubt? Did my spirit return and does this spirit
reside with the other one who shall remain nameless until he apologies for
fucking with my head for four years.
I am so naïve, gee, I can do anything I want. I need to get out of the funk. I can do anything I want. Is there anyone else you can’t see that helps
you? You succeed because you do the work
on your fucking own. God help the lame
and weak because if you don’t pull yourself up from the bootstraps you wanking
wank we’re gonna throw ya over the edge.
How can you willingly stay here longer knowing you’re broke
again? It’s sad, I know. Japan.
I would love to work in Japan.
All I need to do is fly there and begin contacting places you want to
work. So, you’ll need how much to do
that? Fucking wanker. Maybe Tokyo has shelters. They are a humble people and I have been
greatly humiliated.
1.5.13
Laxman brought home a young boy to help Maya and he is
enthusiastically hardworking. He is an
orphan and there is no other information I know of the black haired kid who
prefers sleeping on the ground to a bed and who just brought me a cup of masala
chia. Another night with all the rooms
full, business has never been better and it is January. Five years ago I stayed in Sarangkot for one
night and I remember no people.
I sent my cv to two places yesterday and there’s another one
today I’ll have to write a cover letter for. I know I have money to get another visa for
February if I haven’t found anything by then and then after that, whoa, what to
do.
Who doesn’t need shanti in life? Bolarum says it’s no
problem, a couple of new suits, some gold for the nose, maybe a gold necklace,
only two maybe three lakh, c’mon we can
go to Kathmandu and within a week you’ll have your visa and you’ll be married.
Shanti Shanti, if I had only peace would I need or want
anything else? Daughter of Brahmin’s
priestly clan, a sister in London, she is intelligent and not completely
disinterested. What difference is there
between love and age I don’t want to know right now because really, it doesn’t
matter. Shanti I will always have in my
heart even if I never see her again.
Tonight it is going to get cold. The thermometer in the upper garden read
seven Celsius. Zero would not be good up
here. A job in Iraq. I don’t know but maybe I am too old to be
credible. There has been no training, no
professional development. All you do you
wanker is sit and write and you wonder why nothing happens. I am not lazy I am indecisive, I am afraid to
admit but as long as I continue to boot everything I desire to the curb
something may still happen. Such stupid
misguided hope, it can’t even be called hope, it’s called neurological
dementia, burned out synapses, the price for swimming in the pool of divinity
that turned out to be the lake of deceit.
Pack your bag and head to the Dolpa. I hear the ‘jungle’
people wear no clothes year round. Sure,
send me a thousand clams and I’ll get your story.
1.8.2013
Laxman convinced me to go to Prem Maya’s home so we split a
quarter of Royal Stag and with hot water and some lemon we sat in the
enveloping darkness and I told Sumjana’s older sister the coincidence was not a
coincidence at all, it was a mistake, I just don’t want to see her look sick
whenever we meet. No coincidence, no
love, no fear, I am not in Sarangkot because of her. Finis.
I am glad I shared this with her and no matter how she tells her younger
sister, I can leave and that is it. I
don’t hope foolishly.
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