enough is enough

If you want to forgive someone and you want things to be better what is it that stops you from saying the words ya gotta utter, because I don’t want to sound hypocritical if I don’t mean it, and you’re saying now you wouldn’t mean it.  I’d like to get angry and just say whatever the hell comes out and then it would be understood and there’d be no hard feelings.

I can definitely do that if I have enough beer to drink.

And there is no beer for hundreds and hundreds of miles.  Only my pipe.  And what comes tonight is relax and watch a video or answer an annoying question.  Who was my original spirit and why did it leave when I got angry after waking up in the basement forty bloody years ago?  My anger spooked that spook alright, I didn’t like sleepwalking then and I haven’t done it since. 

And then stepped in the Tocharian. 

This would refute, of course, an earlier assumption that the Tocharian was ‘summoned’ when it left the body of someone who had just died.  Of course if that were even remotely plausible then your original spirit would have left some time or moment before that day in Dallas, right?  And do you have any idea what incident or event between February and November 1963 that that would have caused your spirit to leave?  What is this anyways about spirits leaving bodies while they are alive.  Is there any literature on this?  A dead body gives up its ghost but unknowing humans? 

I’m beginning to believe in neither of them, frankly.

However you’d have to refute Nyima who said the Tocharian came because my original spirit left.

I don’t know what to make of any of it anymore, to be honest, and I wish I’d stop trying to figure it out, unfortunately there is nothing to distract me from such absurdities, no children, wife, lover, memory, pet.  Sitting next to me here Fezel reheated this afternoon’s meatballs and potatoes and is camped in front of the space heater and sits now listening to soupy Hindi music and that isn’t distracting.

Maybe we should move on.

2.19.16

A hot shower is so more therapeutic when you don’t take them very often. Thank goodness for a Friday to look forward to.  And now that’s done as well as some laundry including a Merino sweater who got itself washed for the first time since I bought it in December.  And I’m not wearing my jacket today, the first time in a month, though the house is still bone weary cold at night.  I long for warmth. 

2.20.16

I’m guessing but if I quit smoking I will be terribly impossible to work and live with for a while.  Someone is ringing the front gate doorbell over and over.  The boss should get his own key.

Last night the boss came by and said let’s take a ride which I was more than willing to do simply to get out and I didn’t ask where we were going but the mind was speculating wildly. He drove to the low ridge mountains outside Aino Mina and camped on one of the highest hills where we sat in the blowing wind and ate oranges.  Actually I ate one orange because I told him I was cold and it was too windy to light a cigarette.  I also told him the next time he wanted to take me out on a lame blind date to remind me to take the camera along, but thanks anyways for getting me out for a few minutes. 

154 days to go.

I am looking at my calendar and I’ve been here almost eight months, is that right?  It doesn’t feel that long, I keep thinking three or four but eight.  I am two thirds of the way through and in hindsight can you explain why you had to come here?  Had?  There’s always a reason or two but the reasons can’t be explained at the moment sometimes.  I wouldn’t have pursued the return to college plan if I were somewhere else?  Anywhere else but Afghanistan. 

On several occasions someone has tried to explain how the city manages itself and it is basically territorial.  In one example someone rents the space around an intersection and within that space the renter sells the space to vendors.  There are presently no taxes collected in this transaction.  And it works.  This is so to speak rule of law.

And if every village or city in this country is able to manage itself, I don’t think the word corruption can be understood in the same way we understand it but it is the truth, if you have enough money you can get what you want and to quickly spin the positive here, most people are happy with what they have, if what they have makes them happy, which shouldn’t be much here, right? If you have enough, enough is surely enough.  Food, clothing, shelter, we’re talking the basics and nothing else, what else could people who have never not known war want.  Peace? The Pashtuns have to borrow the Arabic word because they don’t have their own.  Never.  And love?  Serious?  Give me love or give me beer.