we're on our knees

5:32pm

Ominous clouds roll in and the carpeted grotto darkens. Thunderstorms are good here and spring is keeping the raincoat close, just like the season ought to be, right?  Next month spring in Sarangkot is almost dangerous, mega storms up close and really personal yellow lightning bolts zip and sizzle my ear hairs.

This morning’s drive to Roshan was tense, the driver it was obvious, was tense.  And who wouldn’t be?  I don’t think people are afraid of being targeted, they’re afraid of being in the wrong place at the wrong time.  The Afghans also understand if they are near insurgent targets, those are anything having to do with the military, the government and all foreign residences, there is a chance they will catch shrapnel.  It’s terrible.  When I left the building and was waiting for my driver, army vehicles rolled up and down the street, the police presence ought to be reassuring but the look of apprehension on men with rifles was not reassuring. 

One more day this week and then comes the weekend though I will be coming back to this ‘home’ with a stack of tests to grade and a heavier stack of business books I have to grade.  This, I don’t look forward to doing but that’s my job, eh? 

Let’s stop for a second and listen to the rain fall and the skies rumble with something from God, not man.

Are you sometimes afraid that your attitude towards God is gonna do you in?  No, but would that mean I’d get a chance to see God up close and personal so I could complain in person?  I don’t think you’ll be complaining in person to God.  You might be on your knees begging for forgiveness.  I’m sorry God, forgive me for not understanding why you allow so much suffering, suffering through no fault other than being in the wrong place at the wrong time. 

When we are in gridlock children and old men walk through the rows and at each car beg, little dirty hungry children look at me, how can I look at them and say no?  “Don’t roll your windows down” says the driver.  There is nothing I can do except pray for this one and that one and does it help at all?  I don’t know, I doubt it.  Two generations of hell on earth.

8:49pm                                                                                                          

I spent an hour rewriting a student’s resume, good god.  It’s too early to sleep, isn’t it?  An email today says we have a couple of days off next week to celebrate Mujahedeen Day. Yay! Will the dumb ass Taliban celebrate by blowing things up and shooting at people?  Boo!   

I’d like to go somewhere but I think I’ll be saddled with the Roshan class.  Shit.  Stuck here with this #$@ neurotic salamander (I'm sorry God for thinking this, oh and for writing it here too) who this afternoon took all the juice glasses and stored them in his room like a sick squirrel.  I need to get out of here. 

And the more I think about it I should just go to Thailand, a place I am familiar with, exploring new places is not what I want right now.  What I want, sorry, what I need, is a place to do nothing, think nothing and just do that.  A complete detox on the beach for two weeks?  O man I don’t know about that at all.