the world at the end of my nose

I wish it was this clear, but I don’t exhibit the classic symptoms of bipolar disorder.  Sure I’ve been bummed for a long time but it isn’t crippling me. I live in a country ravaged and held hostage by war for almost a half century, hope isn’t even in the Dari-Pashtun lexis anymore.  I hoped to hear something about cognitive dissonance but I know what brought on the life shifting moment that keeps me running with no end in sight.

http://www.pbs.org/video/2365704401/

A day off tomorrow, how about that.  And I don’t need to go to the office on Saturday but I will.  I like having lunch at the cafeteria. 

Yesterday I sent a resume and cover letter to a school in the US and discovered I finally have 20 years’ experience teaching not counting the summer at Harvard.  But what distressed me then and perhaps made me watch this documentary was those 20 years of experience comes from working at 11 schools.  That doesn’t sound normal, does it?  I explained my restlessness to a colleague and it isn’t a form of risk taking but maybe it is as I get older and there is no pension in my horizon.  I don’t save enough money, I don’t worry about the future enough to be sensible and perhaps that naiveté is symptomatic.  I don’t care but I should.

So what is it?  All I know now is it’s time to sleep and my teeth hurt. 

4.1.16

9:23am

The rain falls hard, laundry is on the rack drying, I brought home classwork to mark and perhaps I can plan for next week, I am going faster than the syllabus and this will be a problem so I have to slow down and introduce exercises into the classes which may I note, are good.  Good people and it’s nice to have women in both of them. 

And I am all for altering my perception on a day off.  How can I do that, deep brain prayer with Iranian and Pakistani medicine.  Let me go deep and forget this depressing reality.  Meditation works if you have some help.

7:02pm

Watching tv new shows on youtube this afternoon literally left me feeling sick and the anger and hatred spewing just does no good to no one watching. 

The world is an ugly place now, worse than ever before simply because we know it is an ugly place.

I am enjoying Joseph J. Ellis’s book ‘Founding Brothers’, a young America was an ugly place too if you weren’t a white landowner.  I still feel nauseous and I have to eat.  What sounds good, I don’t know but the only thing I got is the usual boring pasta dish and three eggs.  The rain continues.

A new month. Oh Lord here we go, the seventh anniversary, I am astonished, seven years ago this month I walked the plank and fell into the world at the end of my nose.  Can I hope this month will be an exceptionally good one for planet earth?

I guess it’s a good day to finish on a reminder of an important rule that keeps me on an even keel;  never let other people’s selfish and inconsiderate behavior control my own.  Self control is remaining calm, self control is not getting into unnecessary arguments, self control is taking the moment and remembering the golden rule. 

Good night