a seven year itch

Holy darkness, blessed night

heaven’s answer hidden from our sight.

As we await you, O God of silence,

we embrace your holy night.

Only mother Theresa can claim to be a saint of darkness.  In my darkness I lose something and become estranged.

Heaven’s answer hidden from our sight implies intentional darkness, intentionally keeping from us the truth, and what truth is that, what’s left for God to reveal to humanity other than the end of time.  Seven years ago this month I recklessly proclaimed that day had come, the day when no one not even God (?) would know until it happened and I said this in hindsight.  We can’t know the future but once the future becomes the past all we have to do is look behind us and understand.

So?  In hindsight you must feel pretty stupid.  I remain in the dark.  My wishes, desires, and mere interpretations look wrong but I haven’t lost faith yet though time and energy blurs.  Seven years, seven is still symbolic and at the end of this year we will see and I think then, when all is said and done I will leave the past for good regardless of what or what not happens because there will no longer be any anniversaries worth remembering.

Nine eleven in the morning and today I visit the telecommunications giant, Roshan and will discuss the business class with the director.  Lord be with me for I know not what I am getting myself into.

It’s time to go.

9:38pm

For dinner I ate a bowl of canned chili topped with onions and Irish cheddar, pan toasted bread and a coke.  I followed this with a cup of lemon ginger tea and two peanut butter chocolate cookies.  I’m sure to take a zantac in a few minutes. 

I am so ready for sleep and a lot of work awaits me at the office tomorrow and on top of that, trying to return to the states next month is facing resistance.  I should just resign but that would put more strain on others, ok only one, my boss who was kind enough to hire me last year.  He asked if I’d reconsider staying, man, I’ve had two good days in a row but a storm of work is coming next week that’ll see 14 hour days for three weeks, ya know sometimes I wonder if I had a little dog to come home to.  Not a wife or girlfriend?  Ha ha are you kidding?  You know who God is? 

To resign now would financially topple me for school.  Three more months is necessary, I think.

I’ve been listening to JMT for three days straight.  When will it be ok to change the channel? 

I am tired every time I pick up ‘Founding Brothers’ and I need to be awake to follow the story.

There is one Catholic priest in Kabul.  Situated on the Italian embassy compound, he is a lonely man with a parish who can't come to mass.

Abdul G.F is the HR man at Roshan and we had tea and talked.  A nice man he is, with one arm.

And he had facial scars that left me wondering if these reminders have been forgiven and forgotten.

At Jam supermarket I saw those 5 hour energy drinks, ya know the ones in the tiny bottles.

I should go back and stock up though in class I was remarkably alert.  Ok two diet cokes and a milk tea every day and you’ll be fine.

And I’ll probably not sleep well tonight.  Shit, I didn’t even think, maybe I should drink nothing with caffeine after seven …

good night.  I hope.