o great

5.11.16

I don’t ‘unfriend’ too many people on facebook but it is necessary sometimes.  The individual didn’t do anything wrong per se, it’s me. 

4:04am—I am not even tired and I haven’t slept a wink.  Oh this is going to be bad come work time I’m telling ya what in the world can I do?  If your leg will permit you, lie down and just breathe deep.  No more cigarettes, no more Hendrix, no more unfriending people, just stay still. 

Wait…

7:53pm—After my last class at Roshan the driver stopped at the Boots Pharmacy around the corner and I bought a box of 0.5mg Xanax for a buck.  Thirty tablets made in Pakistan for a dollar.  Do they work?  Will they work?  I took one on the drive to the campus and after lunch I looked at the same page for a very frustrating hour, it can’t be from this little cheap tablet, remember I slept a total of one hour the night before and I knew this was going to be difficult and it was.  So?  So, I took another one and an adult dose of Nyquil.  I have to sleep, my friend, I have work to do, I don’t like feeling this way and I certainly don’t want RLS again.  Restless bleeping leg syndrome.

If I still cannot sleep and I want to believe I will, driving to the telecom building is done, al humda’allah, then I will just go outside and lie down in the grass like the beasts of the field and the birds of the air and I will give up trying anymore.

I think this is it.  Please Lord Jesus and Buddha, suffering sucks but it always leads us to you.  I know, you planned it that way.  Pretty damn snarky thing to do ya'll think?

5.12.16

3:38pm—The Nyquil did the trick alright, I was comatose for eleven hours and I think the stuff is still working here at the office and with class in twenty minutes a headache swooshes back and forth, how about the Americano you gulped an hour ago, I don’t know if strong caffeine can balance the effects of Nyquil taken 19 hours ago, should I open this diet coke in front of me?  I do not know what to do but a decision will be made between the relative moments that pass between each stroke of a letter.

In the meantime…what is a synonym for divinity that best describes the state you are in, not mysticism, not religion nor spirituality, it appears divinity doesn’t always apply to goodness, the dark side, the evil ones, can imitate the good kind and only until time passes can we look back and understand which force of eternal nature had its hand in one’s affairs.  Well I don’t wanna wait until the past is passed to know how to combat this without large sources of caffeine I guess. 

8:48pm—

There’s no one around to talk to in the flesh so let’s have a chat here if that is remotely possible.  It is possible if the music isn’t too loud your eyes don’t hurt, your throat hurts, two shots of nighttime relief and I’ve been feeling for how long does the bottle say?  I don’t think it says for the next 21 hours you’ll wish you had something stronger because this stuff is still leaving me close to the shadows. 

A colleague says she takes Xanax at night, knocks her out she says, well I wanna be knocked out alright so I took two of those point five sizes fellas at two intervals during the day and I don’t know if they contributed to being knocked out and still feeling it, right?  I don’t wanna take anything if it’s gonna knock me out during the day because I need to be as sharp as the students and staff are around me, do you know what I’m saying? 

Yesterday I was talking to a local while we were waiting for chicken zinger burgers and chips laced with nice greasy grease when he saw the layers of skin gone from the tips of my fingers.  I told him this is how stress is manifested.  When I was married every one of my fingers looked like this,  I told him what I don’t need or want (sometimes) is a synthetic medicine when the organic medicine works just as effectively as any addictive anti-depressant.

He laughed and I laughed and I told him I even had it delivered to my door in Kandahar, I slept exceptionally well there my friend, I guess there is some stress, I guess, than being here for the past five weeks.  Have you ever had restless leg syndrome?

                                                                           2

“I have a picture of my relative” Would you like to see him?

 The first morning I no longer had to commute to the center of the city, I lounged, took it slowly, met the cleaner since I got up later than I have ever had to in years and laid in bed and finished this Salvation History book from a Charismatic Catholic  because I had never heard of anything from a Catholic about the subject I was still learning about. 

Heilsgeschichte 

and its connections to St. Augustine and his cathedrals burned to the ground in India, who was connected with Amillennialism which appears to be closer to a real eschatological truth than the other protestant knuckleheads who got most of the world believing something different and wrong.

In any case the connections between the covenants is a good way to connect Jesus with the very beginning and it just got me thinking about connections and na…I need to think about that connection.  The 2700 year old spirit with blue eyes and blond hair buried in Tufulan isn’t Job, it’s….how many “great” grandfathers are there if a relative is 2700 years old?

Well it could be possible, couldn’t it?  Go back really really far so far and you’ll understand it’s kind of easy to connect with someone because there weren’t that many people living on earth, is that right Phil? 

Bergsma did a fine job connecting dots easily from reading all the books of the Bible.  And we’re all related, right?  From somewhere in Ethiopia I believe, the garden of Eden, think of the woman who gave Abraham his first son.  Put a woman in my tent like that and ya know honey, omg, I do have to ask the question.

The business class took its certificates with cameras and congratulations and I called transport and told them I finished early and please come get me.  I sat outside near the road with the heavily armed security guards, three took cigarettes gladly and we practiced how little we knew of each others languages and I could only speak to them in Pashtun and Arabic except I think in Dari the word 'Ay-Wah-Ney' is the same and we looked up when a large and very low flying helicopter rumbled everything and everyone to hand gestures and whatevers.

The one dude who spoke English showed me photos of American soldier friends on his mobile when he worked in Ba-gram for two years.  ‘from From Maryland ‘ from Washington’ ha ha yep they looked like Americans do when they live in America most of the time, this guy is kind of chubby but he’s probably better skilled than I am at firing large guns. 

10:06pm—

I’d like to ask every Afghan in politics and throughout the country;  Why can’t Islam end the fighting?  All we want is security and that means everyone getting along and respecting each other’s differences and cultivating honest people behaving honestly again and putting them in positions of influence that’s all, politicians at every level of the country who think of everyone collectively, united, the same.  Afghans.

You can have your differences of opinion without having to kill each other, right?  Why the killing?  Ah, right in the name of Islam and in many interpretations of the Koran, and Pakistan, the arch enemy who would suffer if Afghanistan had peace, please this is not from Islam, it's petty and you'll never have peace yourself as long as you let your selfishness interpret the Koran.  Shame.

And the Taliban, come one, give them a job, take their guns? Am I being naive again? This is only tribal? Does tribal honor have reconciliation?   Fighting is the only resolution?  So what if Ghani's a Pashtun?  Generations have separated themselves from two millennia of conflict.   Come on!  American Indians weren’t killing each other, they passed the pipe amongst themselves, respected boundary lines and accepted everyone’s faith.

and though they were different they were pretty much the same. Maybe all the politicians, and Pakistani officials and the Taliban should meet together and all of them should smoke hashish.

Job could be my great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great great  plus a few more grandfather, damn, ha ha ha is that number correct?  Something’s not right.  This must be the Xanax hey ok no, the organic medicine, perhaps, when do the tablets start working I just ate a bag of Teriyaki beef jerky and trail mix, I need something more substantial which means I might cross paths with the smelly cooking islander at eleven o’clock in the kitchen.  What do you want to eat?  I don’t know, no bread. crackers and cheese with cucumbers and another cup of green tea with lemon.

Oh right, you might ask how i made that connection and why am i sure this entity is Job, I think most people assume he was a metaphor, a history of people going into exile and losing everything, written by Isaiah and the story was good and spread to all people from Urfa to Salalah, and many believe why not, why can't he be a man.  Would people believe any different if it were proven he was a contemporary of the author of his story. 

Heaven and hell.  On Earth as it is in heaven.  Hell is on earth too.  Why can't all the spirits of the past be here among us if heaven and hell  is right here?  Hi Mom, I know I have to go back to sleep but I'm doing darks. Soon. 

The two dimensions remain separated for good reasons I guess. 

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