strike out and don’t look for answers
absorb without prejudice and never conclude
such dogmas eventually smell
Permanence impermanence
it’s all a crapshoot isn’t it, some
are lucky some are not, most half and half
it’s how it is ya know what I mean
jelly bean?
there’s no measured difference between
the past present and future except an action most of the time but you never see yet alone think
about it as obnoxiously as I do.
What tool do you use to measure the moment from the
past to the present, it’s faster than the speed of light, it’s immeasurable,
and it’s the same when the present becomes the future, the three cases of time always move as one and all are in
sync with each other until you die or you are mentally ill or something hard
falls on your head.
I’m waiting for the right time and I hope it’s soon, to
go out and get milk and cigarettes and maybe we’ll see, maybe walk down the
road to visit a pharmacist, maybe not, we’ll see. I think one of everything at night keeps me
asleep better. That being two synthetics
and one organic last night and I slept without disruption.
It was a
nice morning to walk out and shop for medicine.
The fruit stands look good with mangos, big red cherries, apricots,
peaches and the usual. I bought four
safe bananas though the cherries looked good.
And there is no shame in using what you need to get you through the
day. I am my own best doctor and I know
not to take a couple of Iranian tramadol an hour or two before I go to the
university. I have no justification for
what I’d do or not do. And it is a
relief to find this and Xanax available down the street. Do I really need to see a doctor to get this
in the US? A man’s character is measured
by a piece of paper with the doctor’s name on it. I will tell you of my character now, buddy,
transport leaves in an hour.
2:58pm—At the office the next
transport is in an hour and I plan to be on it though my boss is sitting at his
desk next to mine. When did he
arrive? I don’t know, but I know when I
arrived and now that what I wanted to do is done what is keeping me here, a
student wandering in to see his marks, I’ve been here for three hours and so
far no one has stopped by. What else can
I do now to stay awake. A chocolate
donut sounds really good now.
5:32pm—I didn’t eat a donut I
returned to the cloister and had a cup of tea, a sugary biscuit and finished h
is for hawk. An interesting read. And in sitting next to the window on this
delightful afternoon in Kabul I started Melville’s Moby Dick. He wrote it in 1850. He was 31.
I felt a little guilty slipping out after four hours
but tomorrow I’ll stay longer. As for
the day after that, yikes, I’ll be bringing Moby with me for sure.
And so it goes the eternal desire to be free from
myself and everything else around me. It
is no easy task and why would anyone wish to be free from themselves if you’re
doing alright with yourself I understand there’s no need but when you live
alone for a long time you’re kinda looking for other things to do. Trust me I understand why people who have at
least one person around them you’ll never come to such thoughts and ideas but
to live alone a long time sometimes needs a push here or there into illusions
of empty air. How many Xanax boxes did
you buy? One, and I haven’t opened it
yet. I am still unsure about their use
during the daytime. I don’t want to be
drowsy. I think they help me sleep and I
don’t wake up drowsy so it must be ok to take one to three during the day,
which is how it is prescribed ok, it’s not a drowsy medicine. I’ll take one now, maybe two?
The last half hour of sunlight, golden leaves and light
with soft winds and a peacock calls in the distance. How will I use my time tonight I’d like to
know but I don’t know.
8:50pm—I’d like to sleep now but
it’s too early. I’d like to read a
chapter of Melville but I’m too tired.
Two lame tramadol and a Xanax and a little bit of organic medicine throughout
the later afternoon-evening has probably contributed to my fatigue but a cup of
green tea ought not to interfere.
The Leuven plan is much easier now I don’t have to
travel to deliver the visa pile. I’m
just wondering about them fingerprints.
No comments:
Post a Comment