restless leg

11:30pm—Am I going to bed too early?  Is this why I am sitting here on the bed wide awake for another night with sore thumbs I don’t know but I’m tired of always being tired and not knowing what to do about it. 

The islander is up doing laundry and cooking terrible smelling food, probably mushrooms so I have a scented candle burning and I turned on the a/c.

I started sneezing frequently this afternoon and a student asked if I was sick I told him my body is unable to fight off anything because I am unfit with fatigue.  I drink big Americanos for lift me ups and they work like the zombie I am becoming.

The first student at the telecom class came in early this morning and this is what he had to say: “We are Muslim but no one believes anymore.  We have to say we are Muslim because we are born Muslim and if we say we aren’t we are killed or threatened with death, it's a joke, that is why so many want to leave.  I want to be free to be who I am, what has Islam done for this country, nothing.  If Islam were real we wouldn’t be where we are today it’s a total sham.”

Even the conservative Afghans in Kandahar shared the same sentiment.  What kind of faith remains in war and has no influence whatsoever in ending conflict, ya gotta wonder, no?  A very weak it is and the mass of cynicism boils underneath the surface because Islam is a culturally socially defined faith created to keep order.  I don’t see reconciliation and forgiveness and love in the name of the faith here, I never have. Islam has no redeeming nature to turn the gangsters away from killing.  They simply use the Koran to justify their violence.

After the telecom class we picked up a colleague who had visited a foreign managed clinic called Westex and we stopped at Spinneys and wasn’t that nice to buy very mature Irish cheddar again and most enjoyable, Parmesan!  It isn’t good until you’ve been without it for a year.  I’ll have it tomorrow.

I also stocked up on crackers and a few other hard to find items and spent five thousand afs, just like that.  And all I did was fill up my basket.  They have a great selection of coffee but I have nothing to make these coffees in.  No coffee press, no percolator, I simply suck up the instant, I should have asked if they had a coffee press, I should have bought a coffee press in Dubai but I didn’t ah well it doesn’t matter, I will be finished here in about two months, no more huge warship helicopters flying overhead, drowning out conversations, shaking the papers in my hands, is it any wonder I cannot sleep, is it any wonder I can’t get my hands on Xanax, I’m not trying very hard, maybe tomorrow after my last class at Roshan I can ask the drivers to take me around the corner to Boots, a new pharmacy and beg them to give me some Xanax, please o please I want to sleep again.

After we went to Spinneys we went back to the guesthouse and unloaded the groceries I heated up a can of chili and sprinkled the bowl and the top of the chili with old white Norwegian cheddar and a man I met on the campus called, asked if I could speak with him, strange that he wanted to talk but in my head I knew if I wanted some organic medicine that could help me relax I could ask him and when I got to the campus we sat drinking Americanos and I asked him and he said he would see.  We will see, I told him don’t get yourself in any kind of trouble he said in his hometown east of the capital the organic stuff is like water, well then, don’t get yourself killed for me, I’d never sleep again knowing I put him in harm’s way so I could have something organic to make me sleep, such a funny irony, you think?  I wouldn’t sleep if someone was hurt looking for medicine that would help me sleep.

Ok, I’ll try to sleep again, I have indigestion again, I should go to Boots for more Xantac, not Xanax, I hate asking for something that they will refuse me, @#$ look at this, look at my thumbs do I need a doctor to tell me we live in a war zone a precarious place where no one is safe, do I need a doctor to give me a prescription, come on relax and just visualize a doctor giving you some now.  Imagine taking one tomorrow night and sleeping well, wow, six hours straight what a luxury, I can hardly wait.

But don’t get your hopes up.  Just buy anything to make me sleep, Nyquil with booze in it, anything, the old Sudafed with stuff to make me sleepy, anything but sleeping pills which I’ve read don’t really work.  Such an irony.

It’s 12:04, hello Wednesday, wish I weren’t greeting you so early.

1:53am--my left leg is keeping me awake, i'm stretching it to no avail, I hate this, what can i do?  i have to get ready in four and a half hours, what the bloody is going on?  is it my spirit, does my spirit sense something bad is going to happen, hell something bad is happening at any given time 24/7 round the clock, what about my leg, it's tight and stretching it isn't enough, i took a zantac, a cirrus, i have nothing to make me sleep, i've never had this problem before.  

1:58pm--You would think missing too much sleep I would just naturally collapse.  Maybe I will when i have to be awake.  I dread the office where I have work in front of me but all the words blur.  I would read in bed if it weren't for this leg.

2:00am--What are you doing up?  Hey my stomach is making all kinds of noises. 

3:06am--I give up.  I made a cup of green tea and i eat some trailmix.  Why my leg won't settle down is beyond my understanding so I slap it and twist it and i'm trying to break it off to no avail.  Is this insomnia?

 http://www.webmd.com/sleep-disorders/guide/insomnia-symptoms-and-causes

yep, this is me.  What's causing it you name it, light at night, leg cramps, depression, living here, damn any pharmacist who denies me medicine that would help me sleep.  

I know the worst part will be at the office and i'll combat it with espressos.  one after bloody nother.  

 https://sleepfoundation.org/insomnia/content/what-causes-insomnia

I definitely have restless leg syndrome and the cold medicine i'm taking, i have to stop taking it, how in the world that could be affecting me now, after my whole life, I don't understand.